Saturday, February 03, 2007

Bad news

Got some bad news, well..not really news. Ihave seen it coming, was told several times it may happen but somehow i always believed in the best, it is really sooooooooo hard to stay positive and think positive and keep smiling when everything breaks to pieces...And it really does!!! Life is getting unbearable. mean and really unfair. I know i shouldnt say this but now i am in such a mood that i just cant help it. Why the hell it happens to me every now and then?? I know i am not really a good person, well at least there are more better persons than i am - but does it mean i deserve that everything goes wrong??? May be i really do deserve it? May be i have done something wrong, something that i have now to pay for? Stupid thoughts, arent they?
I always hated this sins-theory where everyone says we have to pay for all our sins - and now, see, what the crap i am talking... I guess it is kind of overreaction for what i am feeling now.
Ohh...i actually forgot to mention what happened... And happened that my pains are back... for a week or so. I havent told anyone yet.. strange how easy it is to say you are fine when you are actually now and even more stranger that nobody noticed :O How much easy for everyone it is not to notice that something is wrong, that i dont smile anymore and that i am so close to crying every time.. Nobody even said a word about me taking constantly meds... just wonder what they think i am taking? Vitamins? I am so used to painkillers by now that i really cant handle pains on my own :(( It is though not that unbearable as last year, or may be i just got used to pains...though i was supposed not to have them at all after surgery :O
I am really tired of everything, life is not going the way it should and there isnt anyone to discuss it with. Some just wont understand, some dont want to understand, others just dont have time to talk about it. Where did i go wrong, what should i have done the other way? If there was the other way at all? May be there wasnt any? And we just go the path someone told us we should go? Why did i take this one? And when everything will go the way i want it, i need it? Because sometimes i have a stupid feeling that it will never be the way i want it to be, because everything is so difficult... impossible to realise it. Nothing is impossible, i remember this... but some things shouldnt be done alone - or should they? dont know...
I guess i was unbearable for everyone this week when i came back from Moscow - where everything started and was soooooooo bad, but i cant help it, i am trying hard to be nice to people, but it is harder now, because people seem to be indifferent, they really dont care much ... should i worry about it? may be i shouldnt but i do and dont know if it is good or bad... and dont have anyone to ask..
it is really getting long, and i just cant stop, guess i just need to let all the frustration out so that i will be able again to seem fine to everyone around ...
Oh.. and also i took a very decision to reduce my online chatting, somehow i feel like i need to do this.. will just come online for a while and whoever really want to talk to me will sure find their ways :) - when not, then not, then it should be that way.. it is like whatever happens...happens...
I dont know what life has in store for me, i just know what i want it to have in store for me.... but i cant make it save some nice things for me... things i need... things i want.. i am not selfish, i just want to be happy, is not much, right? though sometimes it is enough to know that someone we love is happy :) This thought always makes me happy :) But what can me make more happier is the thought that they are happy because of me :)
Another problem... My bday is in a month and people started asking what i want to get for it :O
Thats unbearable - i never know what i want to get.. i dont want to get anything :O well ... i want to get something but nobody can give this to me... because it is again just impossible!!! :O
OHH... how much i hate this word!!!... we should exclude it from english dictionary - it doesnt deserve being there, it only makes people's lives worse...
My only wish for my bday is.... i wont tell it now, may be later, may be wont tell it at all.... because whenever i speak it out, it again will give me the realisation of the fact that it is impossible :x ..brrr.... again this word :((... and dont you dare saying this time, Abhay, that nothing is impossible - because if you say this i will have to make you to fulfill this wish by yourself!!! just to prove that nothing is impossible :P
Some things are.. like some of our wishes, dreams - things i want to have, people i want to have around me, things i want not to happen, words i want to hear...
i am writing this entry for about 1 hour already with stupid interruption because i have to wipe tears away :P - and i am not dramatic today, i guess i really need to let the frustration out and i cried a lot writing this :O
Cant say though that it helped :O - i am soooooooooo silly ;) - but i have to put up with myself the way i am ;)

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