I am feeling...

upset
sad
sick
helpless
weak

...
just terrible with one word ... i dont know what to do .. i am crying constantly, i make mistakes, and i cant do anything good at all... how hard it is to love someone who doesnt care for you, when you realise that he will never be yours and that you have to move on but you also think that you CANT...
I cant .. cant .. really cant live like that, i dont sleep, dont eat, i have pains again ... i am tired... i want so much that everything is as before but i know it is impossible and it is so hard to accept this "impossible" ... why? i love you more than anything else, more than anyone else, and now you are just not here and it seems you will never be... i cant live with this - it hurts so much, i am like a broken doll... something has broken inside of me and i am not sure if it ever can be repaired...

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So yesterday

It is scaring how when you think that you are through something then you realise that you really are not... and there can be only one word that suddenly makes you feel this, when you become helpless because you know that everything is different now..
Our talk about dreams yesterday really made me upset and i am glad that i didnt go to bed right after that.. even now i wonder how come you kept me awake till 3 am :P And even if i felt quite upset i did the very wonderful thing, i guess the only right at that moment ;) - i took my great new mp3 player and set the timer for 15 mins with the one song only, i guess there is no need to say which one ;) .. as i love Hillary sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!! And then i fell asleep listening to the song and woke up today with an amazing feeling that everything is wonderful because

Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday...

Alexandra woke me up at 8.30 ... grrrrrrr... i guess i missed some sleep :P

Anyways i will add a bit more later as now i am going to read a bit and may be even to eat something :O ... i wonder how much i eat when i am home :O hehehe

Have a wonderful day whoever has read it till this line ;)

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I thought i was over it but i am obviously not...

Will add more tomorrow....or today :p as it is 2:30 am already...

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The quote of the day :)

"I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means you move on and treasure the memories."

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For those who still read ;)
http://kevan.org/johari?name=toplena - just be honest :)

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I know it is silly!!!! But i simply looooooooooooooooooooove miss Duff!!! :P

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hehe..know that i have to update but dont want to type anything....feel sooooooooooooooo lazy ;)
i even know what i have to write but i cant :P make :P myself :p type .... ohhh...wait - thats exactly what i am doing ;) - i am typing :P hmm... now when i started to type i forgot what i was going to type.... well..i know this for sure but i wont...or will i... haha... just a question for God ...how the hell did you make it possible that there was only one person online from all the people ? :O can i know the trick? ;) May be i could use it in the future :P

hehe..that would be nice if i could choose who should be online when ;) - i even know who will get more hours than others.... or at least i know some people who wouldnt mind :P and would be happy ;) really a pity i cant do this :(( not that i am really crying about this, but please, God, dont do this to me again, ok? ;)

brrrrrrrrrrr...still -20 outside and i caught cold :( feeling really sick :( hope to get well soon, dont know if it happens, because whenever i get sick it is for long :O

have i eaten today? :O dont remember, really... may be i didnt ..but i obviously drank some tea... weird how you remember some things only because you talked about them to people and we really joked anout tea a lot today :D... hmm...i guess i still got to eat something, but when? because i sure missed dinner... may be i missed something else? :O hehe..but how would i know what it is if i missed it? :O ...impossible !!!! :D

life is good, the new girl annoys me a lot :(( and for people who know me well it should be clear how bad someone should be to really annoy me :O - i dont know if she will stay for long here :O

ok, some good news... are there any good news? ;) of course there are !!!! always!!! constantly!!! I love this life ;) and i love miss Duff :P and i love my mp3 player and i love lots of people ;)

and and and... life is great!!! :) Keep smiling everyone!! :) Life is going on, no matter what ;) stay strong, try to be happy and be nice to each other :)

I again havent written anything i planned but who cares ;) after all it is my blog and i can do with it whatever i want to ;)
ufffff!!! really got cold, cant stop sneezing :P ... hope i wont infect anyone who reads this :D ... even if i do (:P) then we will be sick together :D ... any objections? ;)

Love all, have an amazing day/night/morning ...whatsoever :)

PS: did i mention that i am going to write a book? :O ..NOOOOOO, i guess i told about it to the closest friends only ... but now you all will know ;) And i will get published ;) and become popular :P hehehe..only kidding :) ...but not about the book :)

PPS: bye for now, sweetest of dreams, world :)

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Choose to be happy :)

I was going to write this entry yesterday but i got busy talking to someone and forgot that i was blogging at that moment :P

It is about happiness... i always believed that the very true happiness is when you feel happy just so, without any reasons... at least without any obvious reasons :)
But then someone told me that happiness needs a reason and i did believe him because i used to believe him in everything - but thinking about it now i am sure i was correct about - happiness is something that doesnt depend from anything outside - it depends only on something inside. It is only our decision to be happy - we choose to be happy and when we realise it - we are happy!!!... so am i now.. the first time for the last couple of months i feel really happy :) Because i am in harmony with myself, i am content with whatever i have and i have great people around me :)

Happiness doesnt need a reason... if you want to be happy, be it!!! :)

"Happiness is like a cat, If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you; it will never come. But if you pay not attention to it and go about your business, you'll find it rubbing against your legs and jumping into your lap."

"Act happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love, and do what you will."

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have."

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. I closed the door and it is better so, there is no need to look at this door for eternity..Life is here, future is here, happiness is here... I choose to be happy!!! :)

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The next best thing

I will only add the lyrics now, will write about the song later because now i have to leave for work :)

Artist: Metisse
Song: Boom Boom Ba

A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba

Can you hear my heart beat in this bond
Do you know that behind of this bond
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire can you love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may

Make a wonderful love if I may
Make a wonderful love if I may
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt

It is really a beautiful one, give it a try :)

Well... now this later has come :P and i am updating ....

Thats the title song from "The next best thing" - movie with Madonna.. everyone i know claims this movie to be a poor one, but i really love it :) The last time i watched it was just few days ago and what i really wondered about was this song :O - i just wondered how come i never paid attention to it before? I started to look for the song in the net, it took me quite some time to find and download it and now i am really happy about it because it is really a beautiful one :))
I wont add anything more though i planned it first but i have another entry of mine in my head and will start with it right now ;)

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The song of the day

Artist - Hillary Duff
Song - So yesterday

You can change your life - if you wanna
You can change your clothes - if you wanna
If you change your mind
Well, that's the way it goes

But I'm gonna keep your jeans
And your old black hat - cause I wanna
They look good on me
You're never gonna get them back

At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

[Chorus:]If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away

Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay

You can say you're bored - if you wanna
You can act real tough - if you wanna
You can say you're torn
But I've heard enough

Thank you... you made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
Do you see a single tear
It isn't gonna happen here

At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

[Chorus]If you're over me, I'm already over you
If it's all been done, what is left to do
How can you hang up if the line is dead
If you wanna walk, I'm a step ahead
If you're moving on, I'm already gone
If the light is off then it isn't on
At least not today, not today, not today
'cause[Chorus 2X]


You know, Nilesh, you were right about Miss Duff, it is like she is singing about me :P

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A letter to God

Dear God!
You know i am not good at writing and i even dont know if you exist but i still am writing to you supposing that if you do exist you sure have internet access and it may be even cheaper than the one i have now :P... unlike many i wont ask you for anything..I have all i need, may be even more than needed and what i dont have now i sure will have in the future because i know one trick - "if you want to have something different, try to do something different" ;)) - You sure should do this one of your commandments ;) May be then we, common people, would act different :O ...

So, the main aim of this letter it to say "Thank you" - and not for putting too many obstacles on my way but for friends who were there to help me in going through all the obstacles, the ones who could catch me when i fell down, who help me through when i was broken to pieces, who shed my tears and collected them saying they would be happy to give me a smile instead of every of tear :) .. thank you for sending these people across my way, thank you that they were there for me yesterday and today, when i most needed it :)...i know, friendship is a gift, but a gift that should be deserved..i dont know what i have done before to deserve such great friends and i am ready to pay every price for their staying with me forever :) And thank you, God, that you sent them my way, and that they love me no matter what, even when i am not talkative, not sensible, stupid, nervous and arrogant - they know me well enough to understand how to bring me back to life :)) and to sense :))

And thank you for that experience too, God... Dont think though it was necessary..I guess i could have done fine without it :O... But everything has a reason, so may be later i will realise what is the reason for this episode in my life :) and may be then i will be more grateful to you than i am now :))

Have a wonderful night, my dear God...
Cant say though i love you very much now, but be sure i do, just in my own way :)
A very different one ;)

Bye for now, God and please do take good care of all i love, - thats the least thing you own me now :)

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Never be the same again

Whenever people said that the heart hurts when it is broken i always thought it to be a metaphor. But yesterday i realised it was not... have never before felt something like that..when you feel empty inside but this emptiness hurts badly and when you cant believe that just some time back everything was different.. i must thank God that when i get to know this i wasnt alone and had friends' support and love.
Could hardly sleep this night... i really cant describe what i am feeling now, may be because i cant find any words for something i never felt before... feel again like crying, but i guess i did cry enough for the last few hours... :) better keep smiling and pretend that everything goes as it should be.. Like wise people say: Dont cry because it is over, smile because it happened... :)
Yesterday i thought, really thought that i will be able to talk to you, and forget whatever had happened but now i am not that sure, may be i will need more time than expected..and what else i am afraid of is that it will never be the way it was before just because we are not the same anymore or at least i am not the same anymore :) and i guess i will never be the same again...

PS: for Abhay
Dont comment on this, dont say "thank you", and dont say "you are sorry" because there is nothing here you could be sorry about and nothing you should thank me for... you did what you should have done and i did what i should have done and now we will both try to be as happy as possible under these circumstances :)
And yessssss, dont wish me a wonderful life ahead :P - it sounds like you cut me off from your life completely, which i hope you didnt :)

PPS: for me ;) everything will be ok in the end, if its not ok, its not the end :))

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emotions...

I wanted to write today about some nice experience of mine but somehow i wasnt in the mood, and soooooo tired at that... Somehow i feel like i am absolutely out of life... My niece asks me if i am living somewhere else, my sister's dog doesnt recognize me and is trying to bite me every time i come home :O... I wonder if my parents still believe i am living here :O... I am really tired of everything...and the vacation wont help this time...
The most thing i hate to do in life is giving advice and somehow all people want my advice as if there isnt anyone else able to do it... I know i just cant say - go and ask someone else... But every session of discussing people personal matters and saying them what they have to do and how they have to do this is really exhausting, it is like living their lives, like going through their problems, like crying with them together... i am afraid that one couple days like this and i will break down... My personal work stress, and the problems of my friends will make me go crazy altogether :( ... i am already not quite normal :P Now i will be even more not normal :O.... But seriously i avoided people quite successfully these days except yesterday and today when i just couldnt stay indifferent knowng how much they suffer... and even knowing that i will have to suffer together with them coudnt stop me from asking this "tell me what happened" and now i have sooooooooo much in my head that i want to cry :'( - from all the negative emotions i had to live through these last days, and even not my emotions... Sounds weird, right? :O But thats the way i live, if people ask for help, i just let their pain go through me and it makes me suffer with them... I hope soooooooooo much that everything will be fine with them :) and then they will be able again to share only positive emotions :)
Just a pure (not a good one for me) coincidence that 3 people at the same time have their problems they cant fix alone, or they think they cant do that on their own... But 3 are too much even for me and if it goes this way i will die from this foreign emotional pain - it hurts that much that i really cant help it :(
All what is left for me is to keep smiling :) and think positive :) Which is exactly what i am doing :)
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!!! :)
Hehehe ..if someone reads :O

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The song of the day

Too many songs these days, but i guess i am too much into music these days - downloading and downloading and downloading :P And here another beautiful one.... i dont know what i like more - music or lyrics - it is just an amazing song :) Just am listening to it for the entire evening ;) non-stop....

Artist - Sting
Song - Mad about you

A stone's throw from Jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you, I'm lost without you
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand
And fall into the sea
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you

And from the dark secluded valleys
I heard the ancient songs of sadness
But every step I thought of you
Every footstep only you
And every star a grain of sand
The leavings of a dried up ocean
Tell me, how much longer? How much longer?

They say a city in the desert lies
The vanity of an ancient king
But the city lies in broken pieces
Where the wind howls and the vultures sing
These are the works of man
This is the sum of our ambition
It would make a prison of my life
If you became another's wife
With every prison blown to dust
My enemies walk free
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you

And I have never in my life
Felt more alone than I do now
Although I claim dominions over all I see
It means nothing to me
There are no victories
In all our histories, without love

A stone's throw from Jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you. I'm lost without you
And though you hold the keys to ruin
Of everything I see
With every prison blown to dust
My enemies walk free
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand
And fall into the sea
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you

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yesterday evening

I could as well title this "My football disappointment" :P
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30 mins later - how easy it is to distract me :O - i totally forgot i was writing this entry of mine ;) , but now i remembered that i wanted to write about football disaster :D

So here i go.. first, yesterday i had to give a lesson, but i cancelled it, was too tired :P - :( - i have some bad feelings about it, but it is soooooooo hard to give lessons on Wednesday :O - i can easily give them on Monday and on Thursday and even on Friday but pleaaaaaaaaaaase - dont make me give lessons on Wednesday, i cant remember if i ever went to lectures on Wednesday when i studied :D...hahaha... i missed too many lectures i guess - and not only on Wednesday :P ..but who cares now when i finally did graduate and did it pretty well ;)...

hahaha..again i got distracted... so, since i cancelled a lesson i left the office late again :( - still try to catch up on the work i need to do :)... and then i got home at about 9 pm again ...Anyways it is not that bad because football started really late and i had time to do some work i brought from the office... But did i do any work? :O Of course, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! :D i was sooooooo tired that i didnt do anything on my PC, even nothing for fun, except chatting... i even didnt download anything yesterday evening... ohhh... yeah, now we are closer to football ;)
Russia - Netherlands ... i completely missed the first half and now i think it is better so ;) it ended with 0-0 score ;) and right after i disconnected, the second half started!!!! WOW... i should have gone to bed instead !!! I am indignant, i was indignant and believe me i will stay indignant!!! :x ...*they dont have indignant smilies here* - *they dont have any smilies at all here!!!* brrrrrr... and do you know why i am indignant... it was still 0-0 when i went to make myself a cup of tea... i was away for 5 mins... and when i was back... it was 2-0 already.... i missed 2 goals in 5 mins :O - and if you think it was Russia who scored - i have to disappoint you!!! it was someone else, probably Netherlands :D
I should have gone to bed right after that but they had to play for about 15 mins and you know... hope is a good thing ;) Especially when Russia scored and it became 2-1 But Russia isnt Manchester United playing in UEFA Champions League final in 1999 against Bayern, when they were losing 0-1 3 minutes before the match end (!) and did win it with 2-1 result!!! That was something worth watching and remembering...
But back to yesterday... it ended up with 4-1 *there is no need to say who the winner was :P* and i wished i havent seen it :( - such a disappointment!!! even if i knew they wont do well, but still!!! ufff!!! that was mean of them, to do this to me :P... But lets hope everything will be better when they play official Euro 2008 games ;)
Thats all for now, will be back later :)

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The song of the day

It is a good one, long forgotten by me, but i was reminded by a friend about this song and the times when Chris de Burgh was the most favourite singer of all my girl friends ;) - just remember his "Lady in Red" - which you still can hear as ringtones on people's cells ;)

I cant say i loved him a lot, but these 2 songs are on my favourite's lists not in vain :)) - they are simply beautiful and full of passion and feelings :) - just something every song should be :)

Artist - Chris de Burgh
Song - A Woman's Heart

A woman's heart is filled with passion,
A woman's heart is filled with lust,
If you don't believe that these things happen,
Could be the biggest mistake that a man can make;

A woman's night is filled with dreaming,
Of the perfect man who may not be you,
If we don't see what she's been missing,
Could be the biggest mistake that a man can make,

She wants to get near to you,
Don't turn her away,
She wants to get through to you,
She wants to say;

Give me your night,
And I will show you my passion,
Give me your lust,
And I will drink you dry,
Give me your dreams,
And I will show you a lover,
Give me your heart,
and I will hold you close,
And I will love you till the day I die.

A woman's day is filled with longing,
For a little romance and company,
If we don't look or just don't listen,
Could be the biggest mistake that a man can make;

A woman's heart is yours forever,
She will be true, to the one in her life,
If we don't give her love and affection,
Could be the biggest mistake, that a man can make.

She wants to get near to you,
Don't turn her away,
She want's to get through to you,
She want's you to say;
Give me your night,
And I will show you my passion,
Give me your lust,
And I will drink you dry....
Give me your dreams,
And I will show you a lover,
Give me your heart,
and I will hold you close,
And I will love you till the day I die.

She wants to get near to you,
Don't turn her away,
She want's to get through to you,
She want's you to say,
Give me your night
And I will show you my passion,
Give me your lust,
And I will drink you dry....
Give me your dreams,
And I will show you a lover,
Give me your heart,
and I will hold you close,
And I will love you till the day I die.

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another day

Another day has gone..it was neither too good nor too bad..it was just a day.. :)
Live life as it is, accept everything it brings to you, good or...bad
I am feeling happy :) and grateful to life for whatever i have :)
And i have a lot!! Much more than i could dream of :)

Have a good night!! :)

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Smile

How extremely hard it is to work when your back hurts... i really cant sit straight and concentrate on anything :( all i want now is to lay down and sleep, may be even not sleep, just lay down and do nothing :)
I never thought it could be that bad :(((.... ok, Lena, relax, and think about something good :)
I am trying to be happy :) It is quite easy... i want to be happy and i will be happy, right? ;)
I will keep smiling. I know i can do this :)
hehe..i sound here like i am really going mental and am doing some kind of therapy :O
But nevertheless... Smile...smile and only smile can make the difference ;)
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:) - :) - :) - :) - :) - :) - :) - :) - :) - :) - :) - :) - :) - :)

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I hate Blogger!!!! It doesnt have any smilies!!! Btw, love, dont you think, Orkut should implement more smilies as well? :O - i always am short of them :O

Anyways, i will be better back to work :)
Keep smiling, anyways!! :)

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The song of the day

Artist - Daniel Powter
Song - "Bad Day"

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

PS: I am having a good day so far, hope you too :))

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just an update

Decisions are made to be followed... seems i am too weak to do so :P or may be it really was not the wisest of mine decisions ;) All day long i was offline and only when one of friends asked me to come online on yahoo and i did because he really needed me a lot yesterday, then only few mins later, someone i wasnt supposed to talk to (and, love, you sure know i am talking about you :P) came online... of course i just couldnt resist messaging you ;) Guess i have to send a thank you-note to Manish for asking me to come online ;)) - but i wont, otherwise his gf will again misunderstand everything :P... Anyways i am glad we talked yesterday and today - i understood a lot of things, and thats really great!!! Because now i understand you better, not still completely but better :)... and it makes me feel better too, because now i fully understand your theory of special and important people :)) And of course you are right in every way making them feel special.. But like i said special people need to be reminded of this. And even if you dont agree with me on this, it is the way i am... I am not the best person on this planet, not something special, just a very common one, but whenever you feel that i make you feel better and happier, dont hesitate to tell me.. i know it may be hard but it will surely be appreciated :)

Now, to current events, the pains are really terrible today, in addition to the usual ones, the back hurts again :( ...work load is still the same, nothing new, no replacement found, and my friends are angry with me because i cant find time for them... such a bad person i am :(
May be if no pains on the weekend i will be able to visit some of them ;) Am still not sure - cant plan anything because of health problems... Anyways, whoever reads this, please, no sorry's .. Keep smiling for me and i will keep smiling as well :))

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decisions

Some decisions are hard to be made and even harder to be fulfilled... and may be not the right ones they are... i took a decision and it was soooooooo hard and now i am trying hard to follow it, it is not really easy, i even doubt if it was the right one, i too often act on emotions... but whatever i did it is only mine for taking..i am the only one responsible for it... what done is done and i should be strong till the end :) - even if i think that i should have acted more mature, but in a way i am happy i did it the way i did, i also wish i am able to use this little break senseful, so that it is not in vain, that it is useful and makes things turn better or at least more clearer for me.
Whatever decisions we take they are the right ones, at least thats the main reason why we take them... if something goes wrong or not the way we expect we should do something about it or change our thinking about it... thats why i need this break, may be i will be able to change my thinking or at least i will come to some wise conclusion.
It is quite strange though, first time for many many months i didnt log in into any of messengers... seems really weird ;) but i guess it will give me more opportunities to update the blog ;) and will download some books to read, and may be find something else to do like ...dont know what yet :P

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Bad news

Got some bad news, well..not really news. Ihave seen it coming, was told several times it may happen but somehow i always believed in the best, it is really sooooooooo hard to stay positive and think positive and keep smiling when everything breaks to pieces...And it really does!!! Life is getting unbearable. mean and really unfair. I know i shouldnt say this but now i am in such a mood that i just cant help it. Why the hell it happens to me every now and then?? I know i am not really a good person, well at least there are more better persons than i am - but does it mean i deserve that everything goes wrong??? May be i really do deserve it? May be i have done something wrong, something that i have now to pay for? Stupid thoughts, arent they?
I always hated this sins-theory where everyone says we have to pay for all our sins - and now, see, what the crap i am talking... I guess it is kind of overreaction for what i am feeling now.
Ohh...i actually forgot to mention what happened... And happened that my pains are back... for a week or so. I havent told anyone yet.. strange how easy it is to say you are fine when you are actually now and even more stranger that nobody noticed :O How much easy for everyone it is not to notice that something is wrong, that i dont smile anymore and that i am so close to crying every time.. Nobody even said a word about me taking constantly meds... just wonder what they think i am taking? Vitamins? I am so used to painkillers by now that i really cant handle pains on my own :(( It is though not that unbearable as last year, or may be i just got used to pains...though i was supposed not to have them at all after surgery :O
I am really tired of everything, life is not going the way it should and there isnt anyone to discuss it with. Some just wont understand, some dont want to understand, others just dont have time to talk about it. Where did i go wrong, what should i have done the other way? If there was the other way at all? May be there wasnt any? And we just go the path someone told us we should go? Why did i take this one? And when everything will go the way i want it, i need it? Because sometimes i have a stupid feeling that it will never be the way i want it to be, because everything is so difficult... impossible to realise it. Nothing is impossible, i remember this... but some things shouldnt be done alone - or should they? dont know...
I guess i was unbearable for everyone this week when i came back from Moscow - where everything started and was soooooooo bad, but i cant help it, i am trying hard to be nice to people, but it is harder now, because people seem to be indifferent, they really dont care much ... should i worry about it? may be i shouldnt but i do and dont know if it is good or bad... and dont have anyone to ask..
it is really getting long, and i just cant stop, guess i just need to let all the frustration out so that i will be able again to seem fine to everyone around ...
Oh.. and also i took a very decision to reduce my online chatting, somehow i feel like i need to do this.. will just come online for a while and whoever really want to talk to me will sure find their ways :) - when not, then not, then it should be that way.. it is like whatever happens...happens...
I dont know what life has in store for me, i just know what i want it to have in store for me.... but i cant make it save some nice things for me... things i need... things i want.. i am not selfish, i just want to be happy, is not much, right? though sometimes it is enough to know that someone we love is happy :) This thought always makes me happy :) But what can me make more happier is the thought that they are happy because of me :)
Another problem... My bday is in a month and people started asking what i want to get for it :O
Thats unbearable - i never know what i want to get.. i dont want to get anything :O well ... i want to get something but nobody can give this to me... because it is again just impossible!!! :O
OHH... how much i hate this word!!!... we should exclude it from english dictionary - it doesnt deserve being there, it only makes people's lives worse...
My only wish for my bday is.... i wont tell it now, may be later, may be wont tell it at all.... because whenever i speak it out, it again will give me the realisation of the fact that it is impossible :x ..brrr.... again this word :((... and dont you dare saying this time, Abhay, that nothing is impossible - because if you say this i will have to make you to fulfill this wish by yourself!!! just to prove that nothing is impossible :P
Some things are.. like some of our wishes, dreams - things i want to have, people i want to have around me, things i want not to happen, words i want to hear...
i am writing this entry for about 1 hour already with stupid interruption because i have to wipe tears away :P - and i am not dramatic today, i guess i really need to let the frustration out and i cried a lot writing this :O
Cant say though that it helped :O - i am soooooooooo silly ;) - but i have to put up with myself the way i am ;)

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The song of the day

"If Tomorrow Never Comes"

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

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Sometimes..

Sometimes I get emotional
Sometimes I do some stupid things
Sometimes I say what I should just keep inside
Sometimes I'm sad, about everything
Sometimes I'm mad, and break some things
You say I'm just, impossible
Totally, unpredictable
I'm just a girl, get used to it
No big deal
You can't change me
Why would you try
I'm no angel, but I can make you smile
Sometimes I'm just a pain
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am
Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy
But sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional
sometimes i get emotional...


- found in net, applied by me, author unknown

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Moscow was terrible this time..in addition to all the stress from here i caught cold :(
Thats really sad :(( am feeling quite weak now...dont feel like working at all :O
The first day on the old/new job :O - am doing both since no replacement has been fount till yet :(( ..dont know how i'll manage it :O..life is getting very hard... need a vacation. :))
Actually should start thinking about summer vacation now, still have no idea where to spend it - hehe..i seldom plan something in advance but this time i really should because of all this visa and tickets and money stuff :-x... I wanted to ask my readers if they have any ideas, but then i remembered that i dont have any readers :O - even Abhay is not reading any more :((.. but if you finzlly by accidence get to read it, you are really welcome with your ideas where i could spend my summer vacation ;)) it will be surely appreciated ;)

Life is mean and difficult now... NO NO NO - you are talking crap, Lena...
Life is just amazing, wonderful and the best thing that happened to me :)) - well the second best - the first one was you, love ;))

Gotta go back to work :) - :(

PS: i do have a counter installed here and it shows that someone from New Zealand is reading constantly :P - i am really curious ;)) ...you can actually show up, i am not biting :P

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