Blogging.. A Bliss??

"People will forget what you asked, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget what you blogged about." - that's universal truth. Any doubts?? Then please doubt your doubts!! Because for the ones reading this blogging might as well seem to be a bliss.

Why am I writing all this today?? Just because this post of mine is # 200.. Cool, isnt it? 200 posts and you can multiply it by 100 to count how many positive emotions i got from it...

Failed to count? ;) Dont worry, I can tell you the answer. Ok-ok, i lied. They can not be counted, but I know that for all of us out there no matter in which corner of this big and friendly (did I really say "friendly"??) planet... so for all of us blogging has become an inevitable part of life.

My blog is not something special though of course it is special for me. I dont blog about something great and unusual. Just a daily routine stuff, about us, life, feelings. It has a lot of sad entries, or you can call them melancholic but mostly i try to keep it positive spreading all the sunshine I can ger from people around me, the ones in and out of Bloggerville.

I had some serious entries like this one, some about the flow of life and the way how life is. Some truly silly ones (but thats just the way i am, am not trying to suppress the silly side of me). Bust most of them were dedicated to happiness and love which for me are the most precious things in life.

I love blogging!! and even though i had a bad time and almost given up writing, now i am back and am not going to leave anymore!! :)

Thats about 200th post! And if you still doubt if blogging is a bliss, i would again repeat "Doubt your doubts"!!

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If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going

If They don't have Chocolate in Heaven, I ain't Going ...or 8 Random Facts about Me and My life


Recently (ok, ok, It was really not recently but quite some time ago ... huh!! really sorry for being late) I have been tagged by Preetilata about 8 Random Facts.. i guess each and everyone knows about this tag, have done it him/herself or have read it somewhere :D

But for those who have doubts about what it might be I still post the tagging rules here:

1. When tagged you must link to the person who tagged you.
2.Then post the rules before your list, and list eight random facts/habits about yourself.
3. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to eight other bloggers.

That is how the rules were presented by Preetilata and this way I am going to continue.

Usually I dont talk about myself and let the others speak, this time I just dont have a way out. Then the question is only how to pick these 8 RANDOM facts, how can I choose something random if for me each and everything is the central point. After all that is me we are talking about :D

Ok-ok, long introduction, I better start now, otherwise you will just fall asleep even before i mention the first fact :P

1. I was born on the 8th March, Women International Day... huh!! International day which is not internationally celebrated but still well known is some countries. Not much fun, believe me. I dont like this day....not my birthday but this Interational Day which replaced my birthday ... though a good point is that all the countries which recognize Women Day celebrate my birthday :D **kidding**

2. I want to have magic powers, I guess that is the influence of all the magic books and watching "Charmed" too much. But who cares. There is no rule that we can not dream :)

3. I cry when i watch sad movies.... and I cry when i watch happy ones.. I guess I am just too senti. Now please dont make me feel embarassed and please never mention this fact. ;)

4. I was supposed to become IT Professional. All my teachers in high-school were sure about it, and they knew what they were talking about. But see, I never choose the easiest ways and went some tough road to become what I am now... And it is.... NOT IT Professional :D No regrets, i love it this way, just sometimes wonder what I might have become if i had chosen another way.

5. I started to read when I was 4... and can not stop till now, to the big regret of my month salary, because books are expensive stuff.

6. I believe in true Friendship, and it is exactly Friendship with a capital "F". I think one can not have 100 friends like in their friends lists in different communities. And for me it does not matter if I met the person in "real" life or not. Trust and level of understanding is all that matters. :)

7. I love arguing. OMG... when I start this I just can not stop. And sometimes am proving the opinion which I personally strongly disagree... Like when someone says "white is white" I wll try to prove that "white is black" and believe me, I will succeed!!

8. I love London. Thats my favourite city of all. And I had known it long before i visited it. Once I made my first step there I knew it is my LOVE. Not Paris, not Moscow, not any other city on this planet but L.O.N.D.O.N!!


I guess these were 8 facts, so I will not add, that I love chocolate, can not sing, took dance lessons in high-school, hate to get up early, love quotes, forget small details but remember phone numbers... Instead of telling all this I will tag now:

Akila
Ameya
Bizarre Kid
Divya
Preetha
Shashi


And believe me I can count.. at least up to 8 :P
And I know I have not named 8 people...
Bad luck, seems like everyone else in my blogroll has done this tag already.

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The Week

Another week has gone. I know it is Friday only but for those of us who made it a daily routine to go to the office every Mon - Fri  this week has just finished. Saturday and Sunday are like the other dimension where you live a different life. My favourite time of the week though is friday evening which i can not and never will be able to explain. But do we really need to explain each and everything, sometimes it is just better to accept things the way they are.

Less than 6 weeks to New Year, and again I wonder how quick the time goes. It flies and we seem only to notice it when it already is gone  wondering what have we been doing all the time. Sometimes I wonder ... Well I do wonder constantly because somehow I feel 
that only with ability to wonder we can survive in this world of ours. 

But back to the point...

So sometimes I wonder about how relative everything in life is. When we go through life day buy day nothing seems to change but when you take a break, and just look back you will see that everything is different.
And in the end of the day you are not the same as in the morning...
And in the end of the week you are not the same as in its beginning...
And in the end of the year you are a different person compared to the person you were before...

And here I am in the end of the week trying to realize how much different i have become, figuring out good and bad things that happened recently, proving the concept of having changed myself. And it turned out that things are not easy to be figured out, but i have tried and found few positive and negative issues that might have influenced me for a change. Look carefully at this "might" because they might have .... or might have not... Time will show. And we will see.


POSITIVE:

• I got my life back, you can wonder what should that mean but for me it is as clear as water. Working at the last project i could hardly get 4 hours of sleep, working 16 hours each day without weekends. And now it is such a great pleasure to come home and to do..................... NOTHING.. and when I say nothing i mean - watching movies, reading, blogging, chatting and and and ... just anything but not working!!
  
• I fell in love..... yes, yes and yessssssssss. Fell in love... with my own BLOG!! I know it is selfish but i just love it, brings a lot of positive emotions :)
  
• Got to know new people and I am really happy about it (and again thanks to BLOGging ;))
  
• Will learn to write Haiku (thanks to Sameera who tagged me for that, will do soon, Sweetie).. am really exciting about this ;)
  
• Got a call from my Orkut friend, was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... no-no.. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cool to talk to her... and when i think a little bit more now it was even sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cool!!! :D
  
• Got a call from my old University friend, we have not talked for ages and it was a pleasant surprise
  
• Russia is in EURO 2008.. Yahooooooooooooooooooo and again Yahoooooooooooooo!!
  OMG!! That is something I would never believe especially after the disaster in the match with Israel last Saturday... HUH!! For those who dont know what the hell is going on, what this silly girl is on about I will say FOOTBALL, my dear, only FOOTBALL which some people somehow prefer to call soccer. And now when all the chances seemed to be lost and hope almost has gone away suddenly England loses against Croatia... and here we go.. Russia will play in European Championship.. England will not... I can go on about football for ages so am forcng myself to sht up :D
  
• Talked to some dearest people which does not happen every week, so I was lucky here :)

NEGATIVE:

• I learned to hate....I dont know if it is good or bad, I only know it is new... Trying to cope with it, hope I will be successful because I hate to hate
  
• Yesterday was late to the office for 40 mins... took the wrong bus.. Tell me how can someone mistake 165 for 120 :D I can!!
  
• England is not in Euro 2008 **sob** Dont you wonder, please. Have been England's football team fan for the last 10 years with all their ups and downs (more downs I guess).. Now they are not in Euro 2008. But the choice here was either Russia or England... Oops...again i am talking about football... Why didnt you stop me??? ;)
  

Looking back at good or bad things that took place I dont see i have changed. But It is really funny how the daily routine makes us feel like everything is just the same but in the end you see that things are different and have no idea how it happened.. or did it happen??

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There are More Reasons for Giving or Pay It Forward

When you give, eventually you receive. We all know this truth. But do we follow? And do we Give without any second thought? Without expectations to receive something in return? What about an act of kindness just because of no reasons, not looking for any profit but just to make people feel good, just to make the world a little bit more beautiful place.
Showing CARE, LOVE, CONCERN when you really mean them.
When you really feel, when you really know it is for good.

WE always complain - We CAN NOT change the world for better. Who are we here? Small people living their lives and complaining how much cruel, unfair and sad everything around is? That's shallow-minded. By talking things over and complaining nothing can be and nothing will be changed, by accepting the fact that changing the life in the world for better is not in our hands we just give up. Talking is always easy, action is always difficult.
But since when we choose going for easy things??
We are human beings, we should be proud of things we do and not hide behind words. Words are good, but they are even better when they are set into action. A simple ACT of KINDNESS will not change the big World but it will change the small world of one person, one individual, one person just like YOU. Making it better, making it lovely, making it beautiful. And the ACTS of KINDNESS can be multiplied by your active participation in the PIF-Concept.



PIF or Pay It Forward is something i got to know about from Sameera's blog (read it here). And something that made me think and believe it is something we all might need. Especially in this world of globalization, when all the human values keep losing their importance. When we stopped writing long letters and send postcard because there is e-mail service and free e-cards. When we dont call but prefer sms. When we dont talk but chat. When life stops having human touch....

Here I am proud to present this Concept of PIF, which is spreading throughout the world giving care, love, support, understanding.

"I promise to send a small handmade gift to the first three people who reply to this post on my blog, specifying that they accept the PIF challenge. I do not know what the gift will be as of now, but it will be something personalized and I promise to have it delivered to them within one year from today, no matter what. Of course, as the name indicates, the condition is that all three of them must in turn pay it forward the same way, by putting up a post linking to this one on their blog and promising to send three others a handmade gift."

Here I am not asking you to take but asking you to give and reminding you that there are more reasons for giving than just to be thanked. :)




And even if you are not playing with us, you are still free to add comments!! :)

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WOW!!!

What a great pleasure to log into blog in the morning and to see this.

Thank you to all the people who thought my blog is worth it :)

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“When I grow up I want to be a little girl”

oK! Here I am again, hope nobody wonders that i was back so shortly, though can someone call truly shortly a couple of days... ? But they were short for me indeed like i guess for everyone else ... and guess why??? Ohh...yesssssssss, somebody guessed it exactly right, it was weekend!..

I will not go with my weekend update, can only add that i finally got my life back.. yahooooooooo... (it is not the ad of yahoo! but the only scream of joy, hope you understood ;)) ... so it was simple, sleep, reading, shopping, blogging (means reading blogs), chatting, and eating a lot!! Can someone tell me why we eat so much on the weekend?? Or am i the only one who does this?? Maybe we (read: I - but i want so much believe i am not alone :D ) just try to catch up on the weekend with everything we missed during the week?? Like sleep (which is obvious), having fun (which is obvious too), eating (huh!! should it really be??).

Well, enough blabbering about weekend, here I am to blog about something else.. ;) Whatever this ELSE is I do not know yet!! But let's us find out what it might be!

First I had a chat today with a friend which made me think how much
good it is to be silly sometimes. I am silly at times, doing silly things, asking silly questions, doing things just for fun without caring for the consequences. Of course it is not in serious matters but in small ones where I know there will not be any harm for anyone.

Sometimes we are just too much serious, too much grown up. I do hear regularly - "Grow Up, dont be silly, you are not a child anymore". Come on, people! You dont stop being children when you grow up. It is not what you look like that matters, it is what you feel like, what is inside of you.

And yes, i am not a child anymore, and though i never wanted to grow up (such a Peter Pan Syndrome) like all of us I did grow up. And I am a responsible serious adult person now. But maybe also because of this Peter Pan - thing I have saved a lot of a child inside me, which makes things complicated yet simple. People who believe in children inside them see the world with different eyes... they dream more, they believe in impossible and they achieve a lot only because they truly know it is never late to be what you might have been.

Sometimes I think that by growing up we lose an important part of ourselves, the part that helps us to understand what things truly mean. Once we are adults, we get our responsibilities, work stuff, sleepless nights, worries, lack of some important things in life.

That is a challenge to remain a child inside, being able for childish acts, still have a cute child's smile
when doing things that others might take for stupid and unreasonable.
I have been asked what does it give to me to be like that?? Thats the point an adult person would worry about... why should it give something to me?? It gives a lot to people around me. Maybe they will never admit it but they love it the way it goes, me being like a child at times, teasing them, kidding and doing stupid things and calling them
silly names.

We dont lose the ability to be children with times, we carry it all along
with us,
just some of us use this ability, others prefer to ignore it. But isnt ignoring who you are the pretendence? You can not stop being the way you are suppressing feelings you want to feel, and not doing things you wish to do.

If you want to sing loud in the shop but dont do it because you think it is irresponsible, is it the true YOU?? If you wish on stars but never admit it because of the fear people might think it is childish, is it the true YOU?? If you want something to do but try to avoid it because you dont know
how the society will react, then who you are??

The society consists of the same people who are too afraid to show their real selves, the ones who want to be but never will be, too afraid of being called silly, childish, whatever....
Why to be like the rest? If you feel the soul of a small child inside who wants to play, why dont you play? If you want fun, why dont you go for it? If you like to be naive, why shouldnt you?? Who are you?? A child? Or a Grown-Up? You should not bother.. You are both! Until you believe in different.

And if someone asked me what would i like to become in the future i would reply "When I grow up i want to be a little girl"....

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Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower

Thanks to Sameera I have been tagged recently but have not got an opportunity to do the tag because of being busy. I know, Sweetie, you did not mind. But now I am there and I am writing.

Three Things In My Life I Can Never Let Go Of

That’s a little bit of tough. How can I decide for 3 things only. My first thought was when I got to think about it – “The best things in life are not things…. They are FRIENDS” so I wish I could have written about mine but seems like it will not happen today.

Then I thought and thought and thought… I have a tendency to think a lot and then never can stop and put the thoughts down. But this time I have to.

So here is the result of my intensive thought process.

MAGIC and MIRACLES




It is not like the magic we see in movies or read in fantasy books.
Not that of Harry Potter stuff.
That’s about the magic we see daily or at least we can see daily
because magic is all around.
Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is
and you'll see them all around you.
So do I.


Have you ever wondered why the sky is blue
or why the sun is shining so brightly?
Have you enjoyed sunsets and sunrises?
Have you looked up to the rainbow and felt happy?
What about a kind word, an unsure smile, a child’s kiss?
Have you tried walking into rain? Have you smiled at the first snow?
Do you know that the flowers close to your house are yellow
and the ones around the corner are red?
Have you smiled when you got a mail from that special friend exactly at the time point when you most needed it?
What about finding some money in your coat from last winter?
Have you ever wondered why you can call someone at 4 am
and they will talk to you even then because they love you?
Have you ever run into an old friend
and realized that some things never change.
Have you tried to be grateful for each and every new beautiful day?

That’s all magic… magic of life… small things are the only ones that matter in the long run. Learning to see them is important. I have learned.

People say that there are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I have chosen the second one? Which path have YOU taken?

WORDS



Ability to inspire, to discuss, to argue.
Understanding the power of words, their true meaning.
Talking about important things, explaining the actions taken, making others happy with a single word meaning a lot to them.
Knowledge that they might hurt when said incautiously,
might encourage when being said at the right time and with true feelings,
might make happy when you mean what you say.
Saying “I love you” to the ones you love.
Saying “I am sorry” when you mean it.
Asking for forgiveness when you should.
Talking silly when you want to have fun.
Saying things only when you mean them, realizing the power of words.

Words don’t come easy when we have to talk about something important but our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter.

I would never ever mean of ignoring words.
Because I too good know what the result might be.


BEING ME



Yes, I know I am already ME but this I mean a little bit different.
It is like staying true to yourself and people I love no matter what the circumstances are.
Staying the way I am without looking back and thinking how would people take this.

Being silly when I want it.
Saying things because I mean it.
Crying when I feel it.
Laughing when I feel funny.
Loving people important to me.
Saying the truth even though it might hurt.
Going for things that might be bad in the end.
Being naïve up to extent and knowing I can not be different.
Knowing that nothing can be perfect but still trying to make it so.
Believing in impossible.
Struggling for happiness.
Believing in people.
Giving them second chances even though I know they might fail.
Doing stupid things even though I already know they are stupid.
Making the same mistakes over and over again.
Staying home instead of going to the party because I want it so.
Skipping office every now and then because I feel lazy.
Watching the same movie non-stop
and crying in the end, even if it is a happy end.
Asking questions which can not be answered.
Irritating people.
Caring for the ones who deserve and despise the ones who don’t.
Being the Sunshine or the Moonlight.
Loving with passion.
Fighting with passion.
Living with passion.
Enjoying life the way it comes.


The only one thing that matters is that being this way
I am honest with myself
and people I care about.
And that’s me. And that I would never ever let go of.

Facing the world with the powers of magic, words and the true me.

Here it is, done with the tag.
And I will not tag anyone because it seems like everyone has already taken this one.
Still if you feel like you want to do it, then you are tagged ;)

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Who I Am!

The question that bothers us from time to time is not only what is the life sense and why are we here but who are we and what are we like. I just stumbled across that site today and was curious to take yet another personality test. The result was interesting but i cant say it is not true because i honestly answered all he questions and in the end got what i got. :)

INFJ - The "Confidant" Myers-Briggs Personality Types

INFJs, making up an estimated 1% of all people, are the most rare type (males even more so). They are introspective, caring, sensitive, gentle and complex people that strive for peace and derive satisfaction from helping others. INFJs are highly intuitive, empathetic and dedicated listeners. These traits tend to act as a "tell me what's wrong" sign on their forehead, hence the nicknames Confidant, Counselor or Empath. INFJs are intensely private and deeply committed to their beliefs.

Preferences:
Introverted
iNtuition
Feeling
Judging

Temperament
NF Temperament - The "Visionaries"

NFs are introspective, intuitive and highly idealistic. They are subjective, compassionate "feeler" people that desire to contribute goodness and meaning to the lives of others. They are effective at doing this through their nurturing, insightful and encouraging nature. NFs despise conflict. They will do everything they can to make sure their loved ones get along with each other and are happy. NFs are imaginitive, creatively inclined and passionate about their choice causes.


Well... that is it! I can hardly judge myself, usually leave it to others but being honest seems like it looks like me .... 

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Good or bad

I was going to write this entry for the last month or so but never managed to find time. Not that i got it now but just wanted finally to close this topic and write down whatever comes to my mind.

People.. Who are we? What are we? Are we all different or are we the same? Are we good or are we bad? If good - then who said so, and if bad - then again who said so? Who is there to judge? Are their any criteria?

Like we all I have come across many people in my life, good or bad, most have gone, few stayed. Why? Were they better than the rest? What makes them different? What makes me feel they ARE different? How do I know they are good? (they really are) How do I know they are not bad? (they are not!)

Browsing in Orkut through people's profiles I wondered how good they all are. They have nice friends, they have great testimonials saying how much sweet, lovable, adorable, caring and and and... they are. It means they are good. For these people. Not for others .. but it means they have something good with them which made others catch it and got such a great opinion about them. But if they are so good to them, why they are not so good or even worse than that, why they seem to be bad to others?

Confusing thought, huh?! Everyone is good in the beginning. Good for their families,
their loved ones, their friends.

But less good for someone else... How do I decide who is good enough for me? How can I dare to call someone bad if he/she is not, when he/she is so sweet and lovable and caring.

We are not different, thats true... we all are the same with the same dreams, desires, wishes. We want in the end one and the same thing from life. And we all are good! But somehow fail to see this good in each other. Too much busy with themselves, too much stressed up, too much blind, just too much...

I know it is all about values, we appreciate different things, we have different likings, we have differend levels of understanding. Sometimes it just clicks and then you feel you know this person for ages, even if ages are 2 weeks only! And not all will and can be your friends but it is not because people are bad (who are we to judge it?) it is just because we are different in our non-difference.

And even people who betrayed us or who were mean are good..... but good for someone else.
Which does not mean "not good enough" for us. I have been thinking about it for a while and really wondered about this confusing thought: "Everyone is good yet everyone is bad".

Depends on people who see you as you are / or as they think you are. So you are not what you are, you are what people think you are. I know that is kind of a silly and you can say that everyone knows who he/she is and there is no need of people's opinions about who you are.

But then do you know anyone who would say he/she is a bad person? I don't!..
We all are different yet the same...
We all are good yet bad.... To someone or to ourselves...

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The Wish

Just updated the story, changed some passages, seems like it has become better :)
Re-posting it again as the question about wishes is of great importance for me nowadays.
Will write about it later, maybe even tomorrow (today :D)

******************************************************

Very carefully, trying not to wake up the grandmother napping beside her bed Ann stood up, and came to the window. It was very late in night. She and grandma were reading an amazing magical story about not less amazing Cinderella. And then they both fell asleep. Ann smiled when she remembered the discussion they had about who is the most wonderful hero of the story. The grandmother insisted it was Cinderella herself but Ann argued. How could it be possible - of course Cinderella was beautiful in her wonderful dress and new shoes but can she be compared to the magical fairy, the one who can make your wishes come true, the one who can light up your life by fulfilling the deepest and innermost desires of your heart.

Ann smiled. Her smile, the smile of an innocent child, pure and beautiful, was like a smile of an angel, enlightening everything around, making believe that miracles happen.

Miracle… That was what Ann longed for, what she needed most of all. She looked out of the window. It was late October night. Starlit night, dark sky was so close to Ann that the thought about taking one star from it and making a wish struck her mind. Was it possible? Ann looked attentively if there was any star falling; she used to wish on stars though her wishes never came true. But today there was a special night, the night to her seventh birthday, so maybe she will be a bit luckier and her wish will be granted this time. But no, nothing like that. Stars stayed on their places smiling archly at her as if saying “No, dear Ann, we can't help you on this, that’s not our task, you have to wait patiently”.

How long does she have to wait? Since the death of her mother all she did was waiting. First, waiting for the mom to be back. But soon she realized that mom didn’t leave her. She just didn’t stay with her the way Ann wanted her to be. Since that day when her mom had to go to the best world everything changed.

Her father had work in the other city and Ann had to stay with the grandmother. She loved cozy sweet evenings with her, it felt great to know that you are loved and taken care of, but even then somehow Ann missed something. You can say it was the presence of the mother but no, at least not in the way you thought about it. Her mother was always with her, showing her love and comfort for this little angel. In a way that not everybody can understand, but Ann always knew her mother didn’t leave her. She just took another place from where she could have a better chance to look after her daughter and to lead her the way that she was supposed to go.

No, it was her father that the girl was missing. Staying at the closed window on this beautiful October night the girl seemed so lonely and unprotected, so it was no wonder that someone out there decided to help her a little bit. It started snowing.
Have you ever seen the first snow? That’s the most amazing thing nature has gifted us. Lonely beautiful snowflakes, so cold and so warm at the same time. Whirling or falling slow down, they just ask you to take them into your hand or even try on your tongue. Ann hesitated. Should she open the window and try to catch one of them. It was still cold outside and she was afraid the cold wind might wake up the grandmother. But the desire was so big that she couldn’t stop herself.

She opened the window, and caught the snowflake. Little angel was curious to talk to it.
“Where are you from?” – she asked.
“I am from a very very far place where everything is possible”, - replied the Snowflake. Ann didn’t even wonder that the snowflake was talking to her.
“How are you doing?”
“I am good, but what about you, you seem to have some troubles, sweet child.”
“No, really I am not, it is just…”
“What?”
“I have birthday tomorrow.”
“I know”
“How?”
“I am a magical snowflake, you should have guessed.”
“Magicaaaaaaaal??” – wondered the girl. – “And you can make the wishes true?”
“Yes, I can, is there anything I can do for you?”
The girl smiled and started already to tell about her innermost wish. “Can you..”
But the Snowflake said: “No, that’s the only thing we can't do, but you know that she is always with you, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do, but it is not the same..” The girl smiled sadly.
“I know, sweet, I know. But there where she is now she can take better care of you, she can see every step of you, every second of your life, and she is always there to protect and to comfort you. Choose another wish, Ann.”

Ann was so sad and she even didn’t notice that the Snowflake knew her by name.
“Then.. then.. I want my dad back, it is my birthday and I miss him so much and he can't come, it is all about the weather, his plane can't take off and he won't manage it to my birthday. But you are magical, aren’t you? You can do this, can you?” – with the voice full of hope begged the little angel.
“I will see what I can do, sweet”, answered the Snowflake. “All you have to do is just to close your eyes very tight and wish from all your heart.”
“Wish with all your heart….” repeated the small kid.
“Will you remember this?”
“Yes, I will”
“And now let me go, I have to go my way.”
“And what is your way?”
“I will melt when I come to the ground and then will come back the next year, and who knows, maybe we will get to talk next year to each other. And now you know what you should do.”
Ann let the Snowflake fall down and melt…

Bumms... the book flew down and hit the floor. The grandmother opened her eyes, looked at the bed and noticed the girl wasn’t in. She wondered but didn’t have time to think about it as the door bell rang. She went to open the door.

Early morning… Ann felt someone pick her up. Still sleeping she asked, “Dad, is that you?” And she even didn’t have to open her eyes to make sure. She knew that the Snowflake didn’t lie to her. It made her wish come true.

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It is not Monday!!

Everything is still the same - i wonder if i ever will have my life back. I want so much on coming home not doing office stugg but doing things for myself: watching movies, playing with Alexandra, reading, writing, sleeping at last.. Just things for myself and not this office work which seems to have no end. How much stressful is it few days before deadline. It seems like nothing has been done and there is still so much to do and so little time. And you are here alone struggling with time, trying to stay alive after exhausting day and half that much exhausting night. Seems i dont remember what it means to sleep :D
Today i got an encouraging e-mail and wondered how much words of loving and caring people can help us. Whenever throughout the day I felt like i can not do it anymore I opened that mail, read it again and went on. Tha is the POWER of word, not just a word but THE WORD said with care and support..
Got some good news .... and i know it is so much silly but it made me really happy in a way i can not describe.. Last 10 days I am only thinking about deadline which is November, 15. And the last few days I was sure the 15th is next Monday. Not that i can not count.. I knew pretty well that today is the 7th and that it is Tuesday (is it??) and that there are 8 days to go... But then believe it or not, 15th in my calendar fell on Monday, and it upset me so much because Monday is so close... And then today i made a discovery: IT IS NOT MONDAY!! IT IS THURSDAY!!!

OMG... how little a person needs for happiness :)

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SO UNFAIR!!

I guess it is just not my week.. Absolutely not my week!! I was not going to write anything today but feeling so bad now that just feel the need to write it down. Just came back home from my doctor who again prescribed a  lot of things which will never help because i will never do them. And the first one which i should do was TAKE VACATION. God knows how much i want it and how much i need this but life is unfair, i can not  do it right now with the deadline approaching so fast..

But the most disappointing thing is that i can not talk to the only one person to whom i want to talk and to whom i need to talk... need desperately as it seems the only thing which will be able to give me some powers to continue... That is so unfair that i can not talk to him. Life is unfair ... 2 days in a row i miss him by few minutes only, yesterday online and today on a call.. i guess i should have called  by myself then but my balance doesnt let me make international calls at the moment... That is so disappointing. And i was so much angry with myself that i didnt manage to talk to him. I mean it is not my fault and i know this as it was not possible to reply at that moment but then again that is the only thing that matters to meat the moment and i screwed up so terribly!! And can not do anything right now and talking and talking and talking about it... not that it makes me feel better but makes me realize how much unlucky these days i am...

And it is not that the person i need is not there when i most need him, it is that i myself missed the opportunity to talk to him and it makes so much sad...

Anyways that was kind of a stupid entry so i better stop, before i make it even more stupid!!!

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why can it not be just SIMPLE?

Feel really weird today. I can not say it is a feeling of laziness, just want to be left alone and not do anything at all.. Just close my eyes and being brought to some safe and empty place where no one could tell what and when to do.

Maybe it is just a feeling of being too tired - working without weekends right after the hospital dont make things easier but i really want things to be more simpler than they are. Sometimes i think everything is so much complicated that i do not know how to deal with it.

I try to manage things and everything seems to be alright but it is not as alright as i want them to be. It is just ok but ok is not really enough. Why cant everything be just SIMPLE. When you know what to do and how to do it, when you go straight your way and nobody stays in it making things more difficult than they are. Why do we have to depend on others. Why can i not just do things the way i want to... being diplomatic, trying to be nice and friendly to people who think they are allowed everything and anything! why cant i just close my eyes and stay away from all of them, going for a while to another universe - the one of my own. Why do we have all these responsibilities? And why can i not just take a small break.... It is really a weird feeling. It is a wish to be left alone but not a wish of loneliness, wanting time for yourself but not too far from anyone else. Being gone far away but not for long.... Dreaming your dreams but knowing they are just dreams. Living one day, one hour, one minute for yourself but not for someone else.

Wanting to cry but having no tears. Knowing that everything will be fine but still worrying about things... Life is weird, today is weird... and the only one wish i have at this very moment is impossible for right now because in the whole Universe (my Universe called my life) there is not a single place where i could be left alone.

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