Me and Myself

Tagged by Sameera

I am: not a has been. I am a will be. At times I think and at times I am.

I think: too much. And when I do it is dangerous for people around.

I know: nothing.

I want: peace of my soul.

I have: myself

I wish: I don’t

I hate: when people lie.

I miss: people I love.

I fear: staying alone.

I feel: that things go the right way, even if I don’t go with them.

I hear: silence

I smell: life

I crave: for harmony.

I search: understanding

I wonder: why some people are so dumb…

I regret: not for long

I love: them. They know it

I ache: when something unfair happens

I am not: perfect

I believe: that love will save the world

I dance: do i?

I sing: sometimes… only when alone. And i am never alone

I cry: often, after watching movies, after reading books… all the time :D

I fight: seldom.. almost never

I write: what i feel

I win: people

I lose: nothing. Because if you lose something it has not been yours anyways.

I never: give up on people. Always giving them second chance. (There are exceptions still)

I always: believe in the best.

I confuse: all the time. People start complaining already so I might change the habit.

I listen: carefully, if you need someone to listen to you, I will be a good choice :)

I can usually be found: online. Those who know me know where :D

I am scared: of snakes and deep water

I need: solitude. Sometimes just need to stay alone.. Not in the way to be left alone, but to find peace with myself.

I am happy about: my life

I imagine: everyone happy. Idyllic picture. Never to come true…

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NOTE!

Just thought about short update. First of all, thank you all for your encouraging comments to the last post. If someone misunderstood i am not quitting blogging, neither i stop writing. Just taking a break. Not writing for a while. Maybe will post some articles from the archives which most of you have not read.

Am very busy these days, do not have time to check my own blog. Sorry for not replying to your comments and not visiting your blogs. I can really blame the lack of time for this. Am in the middle of organizing a big event, preparing a big catalogue for publishing and working for the girl who got fired last week. And it will continue like this till the middle of July. Hence most probably no updates.

Storyblog is going private since July 1st. Those interested in reading it please mail me your ids to top.lena@gmail.com. Please be sure you really are interested in reading it, because i expect some feedback from those who have invitation. If you want just to add this blog to the list of those you have access to, please do not do this.

For those who are concerned and worried, I am all fine. Thanks.
For those who would want to ask something, to tell something, to share something, to complain, to curse, to annoy me I am still reachable at the id mentioned above.

I might visit few blogs, if i dont visit yours it does not mean i stopped liking you or dont bother about you or what worse have forgotten you. It is just not like that. I visit only those of the closest friends, the ones who asked me to read or the ones i have been given links by someone as an advice for the read. Please consider it and dont hate me for anything.

I love blogging. I love my blogger friends. I love all my blogs. But i am out of it for uncertain time period. I dont expect anyone checking back for updates here but please keep in mind that i exist and dont delete me from your blogrolls.

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To Blog or not to Blog

I have been asked lately many times how do i manage with 3 blogs (i do not tell them i have 4, because i am still struggling to find time to write my novel). And then i am asking myself the same question. Why do i blog and why do i have these 3 ... ummm... 4 blogs?

When i first started blogging almost 3 years ago, it was different. It was even not for myself but for a couple of friends who had talked me into it. Those friends are not blogging anymore, and they are even not friends anymore, but i am still here. With a different blog platform, different look, different style, different posts, different me. Now it is less personal, more random, just thoughts on daily life and common truths. Things we all know but yet need to read or hear every once in a while.

Why do i blog? Now i do not know. If i had been asked it earlier i would say "Because i love writing." Now when i have found myself in writing and have my stories untold-blog, i found some peace. I write my stories for myself and it feels good. I know they are read by few more people and some really pay valuable feedback (for that i am more than thankful) but still it is for myself only.

So why i still blog?

It is not because of getting comments, friends, communication. I have enough of it in life. More than that sometimes i want to run away from all the crowd and just stay all alone.
It is not because of money. I never used my blog as any mean for earning money with my writing. Not that i am against it, just dont really feel the need.
It is not because i need advice from people. I am trying to deal with my problems alone or with the help of very close friends.
It is not because i need to write my feelings down, to vent out my emotions. Well, sometimes i really do. But usually i deal successfully without doing it this way. For this i really do not need to blog.
It is not because this or that. It is just not because...

I do not have reasons to blog.

For the questions that pop in my head every now and then, for all the positive emotions i get i have Good days - blog. There i write it short and feel good about it.
For my creative side I have Stories - blog.

And my first blog is kind of redundant right now. I do not know what to write here. Feeling lost. The best way would be to close this one and continue writing in the other 2 (3, including novel blog). Then it feels weird. This one has always been my favourite, has always attracted more people. Now i feel like i have no other choice but stop writing in here. Sad.

The only thing that prevents me from deleting this one is the number of people who keep on checking up here even if i dont update frequently. Thats the only thing that gives me second thoughts about my decision.

Anyways i am still thinking. Nothing is final. Nothing is certain.

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And you wont look at the world the same anymore

First of all, sorry to all of you who kept on checking for updates on this blog and didnt find anything. Neither have i read any of the blogs lately except of those who asked about my opinion on some post or very close friends. I know you will understand :) I also didnt feel this passion and wish to write. Neither a blog, nor stories. The latest thing i have written was this poem. Not that it is good. I never have been good with poetry, feeling more comfortable to write stories. And well I have written a story for Sami's contest which is going on here. Those who have forgotten to participate still have their chance :)

But today i feel this wish to write about someone whose friendship i cherish and almost lost in the last couple of days.

This guy scrapped me over a year ago, few days before my birthday back in 2007. Orkut didnt have that much privacy at that time and everyone could scrap anyone without this "you are not allowed to write in this scrapbook".

I had that pic as display picture (might be some different pic though but i remember this one) and the first words i have ever heard/read from that guy were "Is the cat sleeping or not?"


I replied. And we started talking. Every day. First about some philosophical matters. He could and still can very easily change every matter into philosophical discussion which is never boring. Then we talked about music. I am not that big a fan. I have few songs in my collections that i really like but he made my collection grow big by advising really good stuff. Thanks to him i opened "Hinder" for myself and since that there is no day without me listening to their songs.

I remember one of conversations we had. And they all were in Orkut because i refused to add him on yahoo or gtalk (i had that dumb rule not to add strangers before i know them and when he first asked i refused and then he never asked again). So now i remember one which lasted for a couple of hours and consisted only of quotes from songs. The whole conversation. Two hours. And only songs' lyrics. Of course i cheated and used google. I know he didnt.

Days, weeks, months. We grew closer, talked about things that i didnt discuss with anyone else. Meanwhile he was done with his studies and moved to Chennai from Mumbai joining some company. Of course we already added each other on all messengers but still we mostly used orkut for communication since it added a lot to its privacy. More than half of my scraps are from him I believe. And all the special numbers like 11111, 22222, 10000 and many more like 25425 were written by him. There is a lot of fun in hunting for them, and i remember how many times i cheated just to get some of them written by deleting the oldest ones. It might sound childish but thats how it goes and i like it.

Orkut has become a main medium also because he cant use any messengers in the office but found a way around blocked orkut. And every single day except weekends i spent chatting with him about each and everything starting from weather and ending with some serious discussions about private matters. He knows me better than i know myself and can predict me in everything. He knows what i will say, what i will do, how i will react. Sometimes it is scary. Mostly it feels good.

Thanks to him i met some really good people. Even meeting Sami has to do with him too, righ, dear? :)

Of course, it all was not that good all the time. With him i fight more than with anyone else. About silly matters, about serious ones. About life, about me, about him. Sometimes i feel over-possessive about him, because he is just too good to share with anyone else. (Dont take it wrong, please)

He was and still is my strength. If everything falls apart i know where to go and whom to ask for emotional support. He might be harsh with me but he is always right and it always helps.
I hurt him. He hurt me. It happened every now and then like in every relationship but we always came back to each other because thats the way it should be. I was the very first person he ever wrote a testimonial in Orkut. And i cherish these words till now because they were straight from the heart and really mean a lot to me:

well well well...i think this is the first testimonial...um gonna write for anyone...Lena, Lena, aaah Lena...well i ve'nt met her yet or ever seen her...But as far as knowing her as a person is concerned, i know her inside out...Hey ,i think the legacies that people ve forgotten in these modern times are still there safe in some people of the world...Be serious, humerous, tricky, taunting, genius or anything, u got a companion for that state...the only promise ya ve to make is being true n straight...Talk about life or missing 9999, here's a friend that ORKUT has given me...when no one is there, i knw whom to rely on...God Bless n take care

He has taught me a lot of lessons in life, seems like he knows about it more than me. He explained it to me in another testimonial. And even though it might not make much sense to anyone else it made a lot of sense for me:

Testimonial of experience:-

Forget what ya dont ve
Forget that ya dont
Just Forget It
Forget that you're afraid
Forget that u r
Dont panic
Forget that u r alone
Everyone's Alone
Think about It

Its alright, I know tht it aint easy, But thats life

We're all in thr dark looking for the light
So dont ya worry....
Forget tht U cant Love
Forget tht U cant
Just forget it
Forget the reasons why
Forget the reasons
Can you do that
Forget that u r lost
Everyone gets lost in the Journey

Stop Take a look around you
Just stop maybe it'd be better'
If ya calm down
its alright...

This is ma lesson of life, i never explained anyone...took a lot of time ta put it in words...
And you wont look at the world the same anymore..

He is very talented. Not only in the poems he writes or in painting (where he really is a genius) but more in the art of friendship. He is and has been always a great friend, the kind everyone should have. The only thing i regret is that i still have not met him. And in the last couple of days i almost lost him, we have told lots of words to each other. I was more harsh than i usually am, but then i was hurt more than i usually am. And he refused talking to me which i accepted and we didnt talk to each other. Or rather he didnt talk and i tried to made him notice me. he kept on ignoring and it hurt more than anything else in the world. Imagine the broken heart because of someone who left you because they dont love you anymore. Now multiply it by 10 and you will get a broken heart of someone who is being ignored by the closest friend who (as they know) is feeling the same pain as you are. It is like having pain for both, you and the other person.

I have this ego problem. Thought if he does not want to talk i will not talk either. I have all the rights, dont i? But i just could not bear it anymore and tried my best to ignore my own pain and to concentrate on his. Forget my troubles and heal his own. After all he is one of the best person i have ever come across and he deserves better :) Not sure i succeeded. I tried my best though. Will try again because if not for friendship then to fight what for?


Once i have read somewhere "Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say". He knows what i dont say and he does not need to say anything because i know what he does not say. But today i felt like saying all this. Maybe also because i know blogger.com is banned in his office too and he will never get to read this :)

**UPDATE: Please dont tell me to break the silence, guys, it is all fine now :)

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