I don't know it's just the way I am
Nothing in life is permanent. Not the happiness we enjoy, not the depressions we suffer. Every moment is not like any other one and yet they are all very similar. Just like my Eminem-phases. My whole life since i got my first mp3-player many years ago is surrounded by music which reflects my moods, my troubles, my desires, my everything. But even then it can be divided into 2 big parts. Just music (my favourite play list) and my Eminem-phase.
And if you think this phase is a dark one, then you are mistaken. I can not explain it and never could but whenever i have had hard times and tough situations landing up in some gloomy state of mind and depressions, whenever things went wrong and i lost myself and was in constant searches i was always looking forward to these Eminem-phases because they meant i am back on the way to myself, that i am on the right track and things will be better and better day by day.
I dont know from where does it come, but it started like 5-6 years ago when i lived in Germany. Be it homesickness or the fact that Eminem was with concert in the city i lived (i didnt get into though, had to work on that day *sigh*) but it started at those times and since that i have gone through such phases like 3-4 times only. Which is really good, means i didnt lose myself very often in the past few years :)
Yesterday i felt this need for listening to Eminem again which was really a desire one can not confuse for something else. I started looking for my old cds, took me really some time as i have not held them in the hands for at least one year. But it kept me smiling all the way because i knew it only brings me closer to the moment when i become myself again.
One can never understand that Eminem-phase is a light one, and i wouldnt blame anyone for not understanding it because even i myself dont get it how such music full of aggression, sarcasm, rudeness can eventually lead to something good. But it does and i do not give it a second thought because i really dont care about it, i only know that it makes me feel better and i like it.
And i know that is the way i am and i am happy about it. Because life comes back to me with all the colours and sounds. And i am thankful to having such phases in my life that make me believe that I am stronger than i feel, wiser than i seem and braver than i believe. I am Me. And thats the way it should be :)
PPS: check Akki's story below. It is worth it, I promise :)