Do You Have a Life You wanted?

I have been out for a business trip for over a week and am going to write about it but not today. Today i just felt this urgent need to update my blog just with anything but feel too lazy to write something new :D
Hence this is a repost.

It's amazing but when you're a kid you see the life you want and it never crosses your mind that it isn't gonna turn out that way.

As children we see our future just perfectly and clearly and know exactly what we will do, how we will do this, why we will do and with whom we would like to do this. And even if we realize that it would be difficult (mostly we sure dont realize it or rather don't think that we have to THINK about it) we still truly believe nothing is impossible.

And even when we grow up the thought of this "Nothing is impossible" is stuck inside our heads and we keep repeating it for some motivational purposes even when people with most positive attitude know it is not like that :)

But somehow the thought of this "everything is possible" is very close to our minds and hearts. I am the one who believes "Nothing is impossible", maybe because i have more of a child in me still than necessary, maybe because i still believe that life can turn out the way i have seen it in my childhood (can i say foreseen???)

But back to the original thought.. how many of us remember our childhood dreams and pictures of "adult" life? And how many can say that what they have dreamt 20 years ago has come true or that they still want it to come true??

Thats so simple for children, for us as children: you just KNOW that one day it happens, but then when it DOES NOT happen, you aren't disappointed as you are not a child anymore and you realize that expectations tend to fail.

The main idea is - do we have the life we wanted as children and if the answer is 'NO' .... then are we disappointed about it??? And would we have been disappointed then 20 years back if we knew we would never have life we want?

Of course we want different things from life at every stage of our presence here - and that's silly to suppose that life we wanted as children is the same as life we want as adults... but if we drop some details and concentrate on the big picture only.. considering how wise children are - isn't it the best we want for ourselves and which rarely comes true because while growing up we lose something important, something we hardly will be able to find, that part of our soul that just KNOWS "Nothing is impossible" :)

Just a thought...

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Me and Myself

Tagged by Sameera

I am: not a has been. I am a will be. At times I think and at times I am.

I think: too much. And when I do it is dangerous for people around.

I know: nothing.

I want: peace of my soul.

I have: myself

I wish: I don’t

I hate: when people lie.

I miss: people I love.

I fear: staying alone.

I feel: that things go the right way, even if I don’t go with them.

I hear: silence

I smell: life

I crave: for harmony.

I search: understanding

I wonder: why some people are so dumb…

I regret: not for long

I love: them. They know it

I ache: when something unfair happens

I am not: perfect

I believe: that love will save the world

I dance: do i?

I sing: sometimes… only when alone. And i am never alone

I cry: often, after watching movies, after reading books… all the time :D

I fight: seldom.. almost never

I write: what i feel

I win: people

I lose: nothing. Because if you lose something it has not been yours anyways.

I never: give up on people. Always giving them second chance. (There are exceptions still)

I always: believe in the best.

I confuse: all the time. People start complaining already so I might change the habit.

I listen: carefully, if you need someone to listen to you, I will be a good choice :)

I can usually be found: online. Those who know me know where :D

I am scared: of snakes and deep water

I need: solitude. Sometimes just need to stay alone.. Not in the way to be left alone, but to find peace with myself.

I am happy about: my life

I imagine: everyone happy. Idyllic picture. Never to come true…

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And you wont look at the world the same anymore

First of all, sorry to all of you who kept on checking for updates on this blog and didnt find anything. Neither have i read any of the blogs lately except of those who asked about my opinion on some post or very close friends. I know you will understand :) I also didnt feel this passion and wish to write. Neither a blog, nor stories. The latest thing i have written was this poem. Not that it is good. I never have been good with poetry, feeling more comfortable to write stories. And well I have written a story for Sami's contest which is going on here. Those who have forgotten to participate still have their chance :)

But today i feel this wish to write about someone whose friendship i cherish and almost lost in the last couple of days.

This guy scrapped me over a year ago, few days before my birthday back in 2007. Orkut didnt have that much privacy at that time and everyone could scrap anyone without this "you are not allowed to write in this scrapbook".

I had that pic as display picture (might be some different pic though but i remember this one) and the first words i have ever heard/read from that guy were "Is the cat sleeping or not?"


I replied. And we started talking. Every day. First about some philosophical matters. He could and still can very easily change every matter into philosophical discussion which is never boring. Then we talked about music. I am not that big a fan. I have few songs in my collections that i really like but he made my collection grow big by advising really good stuff. Thanks to him i opened "Hinder" for myself and since that there is no day without me listening to their songs.

I remember one of conversations we had. And they all were in Orkut because i refused to add him on yahoo or gtalk (i had that dumb rule not to add strangers before i know them and when he first asked i refused and then he never asked again). So now i remember one which lasted for a couple of hours and consisted only of quotes from songs. The whole conversation. Two hours. And only songs' lyrics. Of course i cheated and used google. I know he didnt.

Days, weeks, months. We grew closer, talked about things that i didnt discuss with anyone else. Meanwhile he was done with his studies and moved to Chennai from Mumbai joining some company. Of course we already added each other on all messengers but still we mostly used orkut for communication since it added a lot to its privacy. More than half of my scraps are from him I believe. And all the special numbers like 11111, 22222, 10000 and many more like 25425 were written by him. There is a lot of fun in hunting for them, and i remember how many times i cheated just to get some of them written by deleting the oldest ones. It might sound childish but thats how it goes and i like it.

Orkut has become a main medium also because he cant use any messengers in the office but found a way around blocked orkut. And every single day except weekends i spent chatting with him about each and everything starting from weather and ending with some serious discussions about private matters. He knows me better than i know myself and can predict me in everything. He knows what i will say, what i will do, how i will react. Sometimes it is scary. Mostly it feels good.

Thanks to him i met some really good people. Even meeting Sami has to do with him too, righ, dear? :)

Of course, it all was not that good all the time. With him i fight more than with anyone else. About silly matters, about serious ones. About life, about me, about him. Sometimes i feel over-possessive about him, because he is just too good to share with anyone else. (Dont take it wrong, please)

He was and still is my strength. If everything falls apart i know where to go and whom to ask for emotional support. He might be harsh with me but he is always right and it always helps.
I hurt him. He hurt me. It happened every now and then like in every relationship but we always came back to each other because thats the way it should be. I was the very first person he ever wrote a testimonial in Orkut. And i cherish these words till now because they were straight from the heart and really mean a lot to me:

well well well...i think this is the first testimonial...um gonna write for anyone...Lena, Lena, aaah Lena...well i ve'nt met her yet or ever seen her...But as far as knowing her as a person is concerned, i know her inside out...Hey ,i think the legacies that people ve forgotten in these modern times are still there safe in some people of the world...Be serious, humerous, tricky, taunting, genius or anything, u got a companion for that state...the only promise ya ve to make is being true n straight...Talk about life or missing 9999, here's a friend that ORKUT has given me...when no one is there, i knw whom to rely on...God Bless n take care

He has taught me a lot of lessons in life, seems like he knows about it more than me. He explained it to me in another testimonial. And even though it might not make much sense to anyone else it made a lot of sense for me:

Testimonial of experience:-

Forget what ya dont ve
Forget that ya dont
Just Forget It
Forget that you're afraid
Forget that u r
Dont panic
Forget that u r alone
Everyone's Alone
Think about It

Its alright, I know tht it aint easy, But thats life

We're all in thr dark looking for the light
So dont ya worry....
Forget tht U cant Love
Forget tht U cant
Just forget it
Forget the reasons why
Forget the reasons
Can you do that
Forget that u r lost
Everyone gets lost in the Journey

Stop Take a look around you
Just stop maybe it'd be better'
If ya calm down
its alright...

This is ma lesson of life, i never explained anyone...took a lot of time ta put it in words...
And you wont look at the world the same anymore..

He is very talented. Not only in the poems he writes or in painting (where he really is a genius) but more in the art of friendship. He is and has been always a great friend, the kind everyone should have. The only thing i regret is that i still have not met him. And in the last couple of days i almost lost him, we have told lots of words to each other. I was more harsh than i usually am, but then i was hurt more than i usually am. And he refused talking to me which i accepted and we didnt talk to each other. Or rather he didnt talk and i tried to made him notice me. he kept on ignoring and it hurt more than anything else in the world. Imagine the broken heart because of someone who left you because they dont love you anymore. Now multiply it by 10 and you will get a broken heart of someone who is being ignored by the closest friend who (as they know) is feeling the same pain as you are. It is like having pain for both, you and the other person.

I have this ego problem. Thought if he does not want to talk i will not talk either. I have all the rights, dont i? But i just could not bear it anymore and tried my best to ignore my own pain and to concentrate on his. Forget my troubles and heal his own. After all he is one of the best person i have ever come across and he deserves better :) Not sure i succeeded. I tried my best though. Will try again because if not for friendship then to fight what for?


Once i have read somewhere "Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say". He knows what i dont say and he does not need to say anything because i know what he does not say. But today i felt like saying all this. Maybe also because i know blogger.com is banned in his office too and he will never get to read this :)

**UPDATE: Please dont tell me to break the silence, guys, it is all fine now :)

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Every Other Day of My Life

7am. I wake up, take a shower, have my breakfast, leave for the office. It is 7:50 am. I know I will be stuck in traffic and late for work again. Some 4-5 km far my office building my patience comes to a limit and I leave the bus and continue my way walking. it is 9 am. And i am already late but who cares. Well, my boss does. But I guess I will be forgiven again.

I am in the office, 9.20, mails, calls, annoyance, angry people, happy people, upset people, people that fight, people that cry, people that have no understanding. Gtalk says DND, as if anyone bothers. I change it to "Please only when really necessary. I am VERY BUSY". Seems people do not read status messages. Nevermind.

Lunch break, 1pm. Not hungry yet but making myself eat something just to survive through the day.

Working again. Reading something. Other mails, Other calls. Tired, sleepy, angry. Do not notice how it is already 6pm and office is over for today.

6.30pm. Tutoring. English grammar. Gerund. Participles, Tenses. Translations. Tired again. Looking at the clock. 10 more minutes till the end of the lesson. Talking about life, correcting mistakes, having fun.

7.30 pm. Leaving for home finally. Just popping into a supermarket to buy some fruits.

8.00 pm. Bus station, lots of busses come by, but not mine. Waiting for another 20 mins, then decide to walk. So what if it is some 15 km to my house? I can do it. At that moment the bus comes. Another 20 mins (no traffic jams) and i am almost home. Feeling tired but good.

9.00 pm. Home sweet home. Alex is asking if i got something for her. Fruits do not go, so I have to promise to buy a toy for her some other day. She feels happy. It is time for her to sleep. I kiss her good night and go to have my dinner. Trying to talk to mom meanwhile but too tired to bring out any sensible thoughts, she does not mind. She is tired, too.

9.20 pm. I get online. Start writing. Gtalk is clear. It says "DND>>WRITING". People do not care, I do not mind. These are people I love. No matter how tough the day has been, talking to them makes my day. Tired, sleepy, stressed but still staying on to write mails, to read blogs, to write my stories, to chat with people who care about me.

Midnight. Going to sleep. Fall asleep right after my head touches a pillow. You can call it baby sleep. Next time i open my eyes it is 7 am and I think "God, why are you doing this to me? I so do not want to start it over again." But I do. And the day starts new.

Every other day of my life.

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No Regrets

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

Sydney J. Harris

We use to complain about life, about things we have to face, problems we have to deal with. And always we wonder what is there on the way to our happiness. We always find time for regrets. And this time should be reduced if we start looking forward to our future. Yes it happens that we should fight throughout our lives and have to confront with the past. But sometimes we just have to bury our regrets and give a promise to ourselves to change our ways.

Thing is that we should understand there are times when life is just fine, sometimes it is comfortable, sometimes amazing, sometimes boring, sometimes scary. When your day is not perfect, it is not a failure or a disappointment, never a regret. It is just another day.

Still you can't completely get rid of regrets. They are the part of who you are and our biggest regrets are not for the things we did but for the things we didn’t do, things we didn’t say but should have said to someone we care about. Especially in human relationships like romance and friendship. Because our lives begin to end when we stop talking about things that matter.

And maybe when we realise it the world will seem much more friendlier and life much more happier. It is worth a try, isnt it?

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Are You Mature Enough?

Disclaimer 1: The post is long
Disclaimer 2: Some of you will not like it

As per Wikipedia’s definition maturity is a term used in psychology to indicate that a person responds to the circumstances or environment in an appropriate manner.

Now don’t wonder that I started the post with this definition. Recently I have come across much stuff out there in Bloggerville which made me think if people really have any idea of how a mature grown-up person should respond to the circumstances.

We all can agree that blogs have become a part of our lives. The importance of this part is quite individual and results in your own activity out there among other bloggers. But for all of us blogging has given something that we now can not give up on.

Why do you blog? That’s the question you might have heard many times and now you sure know how to answer this. Some of us have great ideas they want to share with the world, some seek comfort and understanding, some take blogging as a platform for building up new relationships. For many people it is a way to write down their emotions and feelings. It is a medium to deal with stress and problems in life either on professional or a personal level. Sometimes both. Some just like to write and then we become the first readers of first-class short stories or wonderful poetry.

As you see the reasons are quite different but yet we have to agree that blogging is there to help. And it does its job well. On the other hand you have to realize that since it is an open community and your posts might be read by many you should be a little bit more careful, a little bit more honest and a little bit more tolerant about what you say. Because it might affect some people in a way you never would have expected. And when some people realize they might influence the others because of their being popular and visited and what not, they start manipulating people forming their opinions and judgments by telling the half-truths or lies.

That is what made me write this post. How often we come across someone in Bloggerville who claims to be the victim of the circumstances being hurt, insulted, abused by the other blogger. And we comment supporting your blogger friend without even knowing that he/she just manipulated you and your friendly feelings for getting some comfort and support which obviously even make him/her believe they are really a victim. Do you know if they are?? Only because they said so…

All this made me think about what a MATURE blogger should be. And made me remember few facts from my blogging experience which maybe would help us realize the possible answer to this question. All the facts are real, not made up, I have witnessed them all on my own and tried to be as unbiassed and MATURE as possible.

** You are on a friendly terms with one of the bloggers, chat regularly and exchange mails until once you have a huge fight and long-live-our-friendship has gone forever. What you do? Stop visiting their blog and commenting on posts. Or would you rather write a hatred posts on them every now and then and mention how much they ruined your happy blogging time?

** You don’t like one of bloggers but you come across his/her comments in other blogs all the time. Will you just comment on the post itself and leave or will you in your comment indirectly insult the person who commented first giving hints to other bloggers to point out who you are talking about?

** Blogger A wrote a comment on your post, then Blogger B posted a comment about why Blogger A being from another country comments on some local issues which they have no idea about. All this sounds in abusive tone. As the owner of the blog you let things as they are or would ask Blogger B to be more tolerant to other opinions, read be more MATURE.

** Someone took you off from their blogroll. You will just ignore the fact (well, everyone has the right to read your blog or not to read) or will you post anonymous insulting and abusive comments saying that this blogger is the worst one you ever came across?? Well, if they are so bad, why you read them in the first place?

** You have some argument with one of bloggers. Heated discussion and nothing more though it went deep into a personal level and some things were said that you didn’t like. Will you just forget about it and move on or put the other blogger into the black list and never again talk to them?

** Someone visits you but does not comment for some reasons. Happens to each and every one of us, does it not? Will you just keep on writing or put the ip-address of the person in your blog saying that they should get lost or at least comment?

** You receive less comments than you expected (by the way, do you write for comments only?) and then you go to other people’s blogs and ask them why they are not seen lately in your page and not commented on your posts. What a MATURE way of attracting visitors. Don’t you realize people might just be busy or maybe just DO NOT WANT to read your blog but now they have to as you practically force them.

** The other variant of it is “Did anyone tell you bad about me. Is it why you don’t visit me anymore?” Man, what kind of crap is it? If I want to read someone I will read them no matter what others tell me. I do have my own opinion, don’t you?

** You write a comment on someone’s post where comments moderation is enabled. Your comment isn’t published. You do what? Ignore it, ask why it happened so or write a post on this matter asking your readers to give opinions on the thing they know nothing about because it is something that is going on between you and this other blogger. Don’t you want to get that you are NOT welcome at that place, that your comments are UNWANTED. Why don’t you act as a mature person and leave people in peace after so much negative stuff you already brought into their lives.

** Telling everyone that some bloggers fight with you and you are sick of them but keeping writing about them and mentioning them in every second posts of yours – what a healthy and mature way of ending up a war you once have started.

I could continue the list but want to add something which is rather personal. Many of you know that once I had issues with one of bloggers. This person left anonymous abusive comments on my blog and commented on my comments in other blogs rather than commenting on the posts itself. I cant say now I acted mature but I wrote a post about all this giving out the name of the blogger. I will not hide the fact that after this I lost some of my readers but it is really ok, because I stand up for what I believe and what I said was the truth only. The story didn’t end up after that post. This blogger contacted 2 of my friends asking them to tell me to remove their name from the post. It was a very long discussion and conversation between this person and my friends and my friends and me. I refused doing so. This person practically begged my friends to convince me and I have the proofs for this and finally even deleted those comments which made me write the post. I gave up only because of my lovely and sweet friends and I removed the name. That’s why it was a puzzle for me why this blogger now claims we bargained removing the name for them removing those comments and deleting their post written about my friend. What a way of manipulating the half-truths..

We are all grown up people and prefer being called mature and wise. Then why don’t we start acting mature and wise and moving on to a new stage of our lives leaving all the bad stuff behind, stop judging others and manipulating people who have trust in us.

Because I know one truth for sure: People do not like being manipulated.
And now you open at least one truth to yourself: Are you mature enough?

Related posts:
Find Me Guilty
An Open Letter

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Find Me Guilty

Bloggerville is a special place with all its population, small worlds, communities. It is a model of a real life. We live here, share our feelings, emotions. We feel happy for each other, we cry together. We support, we comfort, we make friends, we live.... We fight... The small version of society with its own rules, its own problems, its own values. Not much difference.

Freedom of choice, freedom of word.. i can say whatever i wish, it is my place, right? No matter how wrong i might be i can tell you anything here, who cares? i can say 2+2=5 and nobody will judge me. I can tell that i hate Tom Cruise and people will tell me - your right. But up to which limits these are my rights? What can I tell you and what not?

It turns out we can say everything.

Hate - it is here!

Insults - no problems!

Discussing in public your fight with she-was-once-my-friend - Cool, why not?

What about moral aspect, people? Dont you think if it is an anonymous thing and we most probably will never meet each other we got the rights to act like no moral issues exist? Didnt your parents teach you what is right and what is wrong? Didnt you know before that saying insulting things about someone you dont know and who has not done anything bad to you ever is bad??

So much for the society where morality isn't respected anymore.

Once you signed up for blog you knew it is public, didnt you? You knew people will come and read your stuff. So why act now like everyone who doesnt leave comments is stalking you or spying on you. Come on, if i drop by someone's place and just read - does it make me a stalker? Wowwwwwwww, then 90% of us are stalkers. I read many blogs, comment on few, sometimes i drop by one and the same blog several times before i write a comment for the post. Sometimes i am sure i left a comment but then it turns out i didnt. Huh!! I am the biggest stalker. When i read a post where i cant say anything to the author i dont comment, because i prefer to be honest and sincere. If it is a crime, then find me guilty. If someone puts my name in his/her blog in negative context I believe i have all rights to read it. Am I wrong? Nooooooo, not wrong, just a stalker, I guess thats worse, nahh??

People have misunderstandings, always had and always will have. Making them public, shouting loud that this blog is fake and that one is pretending too is really a great deal... and when someone who does this teaches me being tolerant, i am left speechless. I was taught to be loyal to my friends and if i see that someone is being unfair or doing things wrong i think i have all rights not to have this person in my life (read: my blog) and stand up for someone i love and care about. And someone feels sorry for me because of it? Someone who is not able to keep her own life on track feels sorry for me? oh.. no comments, will try not to become too personal. But i am not all that loving and sweet. Once people bite me i bite back and i believe i have all rights for that.

Blogs are a personal space, nobody can tell you what to write and what not. And it is not our business to advice someone. But what about common sense?? And what about commenters, who have no idea of what had happened but keep giving comments as if they know, supporting the one side but then going to another blog and supporting it too without even knowing thats exactly that "bad" guy they read in the previous blog about. It is all so much anonymous, we dont know much about each other, we only are here to share out thoughts, opinions, feelings. From where this need of judging is coming?

Would you do the same if it was not in Bloggerville, would you ask for the crowd to come and announce that this your ex-friend is such a ***** (sorry, am to nice to use any cursing). Will you keep insulting and force this person not to use the same streets as you do? Would you involve people who have nothing to do with it? Want to know the answer? You wouldnt...nobody would. Because real society has this moral assets.... Bloggerville does not. Here it is only up to you how to react. But it is exactly here that people can see the REAL you, no matter how anonymous. Why dont we think about it next time when we want to write about hate, when we want to judge someone, when we want to show that we are better.. because ... are we REALLY better?

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Was the "Somebody" You?

How often we complain about life being unfair to us.

But are we fair to it?

Do we take it as it comes or do we wait for something more?

Expecting things happen to us instead of making them happen.

Expecting people to be nice instead of being nice to them.

Expecting the world to smile at us instead of smiling at it.

Expecting to receive instead of give.

The most beautiful moments in life come unexpected, you dont plan them, you dont expect them, you just live them....

And each new day is there to help you. You have been given this day to use as you want to. You can waste it or you have a chance to use it for good. What you do today is important because in the end it is a day of your own life. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever. And in its place there will be something that you have left behind... Good or bad. Let it be something good. Though the choice is all yours.

And if somebody is happy and content.

And if somebody knows what is good,

and if somebody loves his life,

Let this somebody be YOU.

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There is no Way to Happiness, Happines is the Way

Feeling down last couple of days, somehow me and not me, lost in space, time and reality. But even being lost and disturbed as I am these days I remember I have to write the tag. "Life would be different if.." And actually I knew what to write about but somehow not into anything these days, even was not sure if I would write anything this week.

But today while waiting for the bus to go home after work i thought that life would be different, if I didnt have to stay there in this cold evening and wait for the bus for the time period which one would call eternity! And then I again thought and thought and thought..... I guess I just thought too much and then..... well .... then the bus came.. not mine!! Whatever! I took this one, just like that as it came to my mind, then changed it, took another one and another. Finally it was the one that could bring me home.

And sitting there, almost falling asleep I got this line that was supposed to be the last line of my yet-to-be-born post. Trying to catch the line and not to let it go i pulled myself together and concentrated on it.. Somehow didnt work out and the line was gone. Felt miserable, really, but then i caught it again ... and again lost it... playing hide-and-seek with this thought i finally reached home and tried to store it somewhere deep in my mind in order to get this thought out of it when time comes.

So you see I really had to write this post otherwise the thought would have gone forever. This tag is pending for such a long time which someone would call ETERNITY. During this time I read lost of tags done by my blogger friends and only wondered what should I write about. Now I know.....

Life would be different if...

we had no sunrises to watch

there were no rains for walking out

there were no first snowfall each year

there were no flowers to blossom

Life would be different if

we didnt have smiles that happen for no reasons
we didnt have smiles for every reason
we couldnt laugh till it hurts
we didnt have friends to be with us when things go wrong
we didnt have friends to be with us when thing go right
we didnt have friends who we could call at 4 am just like that
we didnt have pillow fights

Life would be different if

we didnt have dreams

we didnt believe in impossible

we didnt have hope

we didnt believe in wonders

Life would be different if

we didnt know that someone loves us

we never got to hear "I love you"

we never said "I love you"

we didnt know that someone cares

we didnt care for someone we love

we didnt know that someone misses us

we didnt miss that someone special

we couldnt give a hug to someone we care about

we couldnt get a hug when we need it

we couldnt have a chance of being with our loved ones

Life would be different if

we couldnt stay at home on a rainy day, sit at fireplace and read our favourite book

we couldnt have a family dinner every now and then and enjoy funny family stories

we couldnt have a hot tea on a cold day

we couldnt have breakfast in bed when we want it

we didnt skip room cleaning every now and then (more "now" than "then")

Life would be different if

we didnt have instant messengers to keep in touch

we didnt have miss calls to show we are there

we couldnt call each other to make each other feel important

we didnt have chocolate to cease the pain when things go wrong

we didnt have chocolate to feel more joy when things go good

And maybe...

Life would be different if

we knew what to do
we knew where to go
we knew what it is all about....

But does it matter? If we have these small moments of happiness each and every day, do we really need to know why sometimes things go wrong and we cant do anything about it, why sometimes life is dark and people just dont care.

Sometimes when we think the world is dark, it is just us closed our eyes. Open the eyes, start to appreciate the moments you have got because it might happen you wake up one day and those moments are gone and life is different... but then ...different doesnt always mean better. Happiness is not in looking for better options, it is in the ability to appreciate the ones you have got. There is only one life you've got to live and choose to live it happy because there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way..

And life would be different if i didnt tag Sameera because i also have my mischievous side :D

Anyone else eager to write on the topic is very much welcome :)

PS: forgot to tell that i was tagged by bizarre kid :)

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We live... We love.... We hurt.... Part 2

I have 2 tags pending. Don’t you worry I remember about them and will write as soon as I get an idea what to write about ;)
Today I decided to start a new topic on my blog which was long due though somehow always postponed it. I guess I just didn’t have a clear idea of how it should be. Now I have a slight idea, but still it is an IDEA and I am going to hold on it.

TUESDAY LOVE RAMBLINGS

Once I have written this already and consider this as one of my best posts no matter what anyone else thinks. And since I am the laziest person you could ever meet and deadline is soooooooo soon, I decided I will just a little bit change it/or maybe not change at all and repost here. Smart, right? ;) Though lazy, of course!

I have a very good friend, in fact one of my best friends and he taught me a lot especially when I had my bad times. He means a lot to me and I know he feels the same way about me. And even though we hardly get a chance to talk to each other these days we remain in each other hearts and know who to lean on when dark times come again.
But friendship and love are not always and only about good times. Sometimes we manage to hurt people who are the most special persons in our life

Life is a weird thing, we have few relationships that are important to us and we fail to maintain them the way we would like - without PAIN, without TEARS, without DISAPPOINTMENTS. but we do continue them because in the end they are all (and here I repeat: ALL) what we have got.

People are going to hurt you every now and then, you are going to hurt them every now and then.. In the end everyone is getting hurt or hurts you, you are the one who decides who is worth this pain You can not live in illusionary world. Life is not only about “Positive”. It is impossible to avoid pain, impossible not to hurt, no matter how caring, wise, sweet we are. Because we are not angels, rather devils in relationships with dear for us people...

I don’t like being hurt by my friends, neither I like to hurt them. And most of all I hate the moments when someone has to say sorry but in any kind of relationships you can’t do without it, you do hurt people, you make up for this, you try to be perfect for the ones you like/love, it doesn’t work always but if we give up on someone we truly like and love, then what life it would be?? It would be different, but do we truly want life to be different?
In that chat with my friend some months ago I assured him that would never give up after the first mistake. Now I still think the same way.

How often we give up only because we think that people who love us cant hurt us? Yes, they can, and in fact they will hurt us more than anyone else! Just because they are close to us, EXACTLY because of it!! But then what?? Give up on them? That’s definitely the easiest way, but again if I would give up on everyone who hurt me I would have stayed alone with no people around. And so would be everyone.
In my life I used to give people second chances, third chances.... twentieth chances... sometimes I was proved wrong, but mostly it paid off... Friendship is all about hurting, being hurt, forgiving, forgetting, being hurt again, crying, laughing about this stupid matters, forgetting, hurting... and so on. It’s a circle, has no end... pure second chances. But from every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, Friendship survived. Which means it all was worth it :)

Because in the end friendship is the most precious gift, bringing smiles, happiness, comfort, understanding, care and love.And then you always know that despite everything when the moment comes they will be there to help you when you are down, and if they can't, they will lay down beside you and listen...


We live... We love... We hurt... Part 1 (not much difference, believe me, I proved myself lazy :)

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Blogging.. A Bliss??

"People will forget what you asked, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget what you blogged about." - that's universal truth. Any doubts?? Then please doubt your doubts!! Because for the ones reading this blogging might as well seem to be a bliss.

Why am I writing all this today?? Just because this post of mine is # 200.. Cool, isnt it? 200 posts and you can multiply it by 100 to count how many positive emotions i got from it...

Failed to count? ;) Dont worry, I can tell you the answer. Ok-ok, i lied. They can not be counted, but I know that for all of us out there no matter in which corner of this big and friendly (did I really say "friendly"??) planet... so for all of us blogging has become an inevitable part of life.

My blog is not something special though of course it is special for me. I dont blog about something great and unusual. Just a daily routine stuff, about us, life, feelings. It has a lot of sad entries, or you can call them melancholic but mostly i try to keep it positive spreading all the sunshine I can ger from people around me, the ones in and out of Bloggerville.

I had some serious entries like this one, some about the flow of life and the way how life is. Some truly silly ones (but thats just the way i am, am not trying to suppress the silly side of me). Bust most of them were dedicated to happiness and love which for me are the most precious things in life.

I love blogging!! and even though i had a bad time and almost given up writing, now i am back and am not going to leave anymore!! :)

Thats about 200th post! And if you still doubt if blogging is a bliss, i would again repeat "Doubt your doubts"!!

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If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going

If They don't have Chocolate in Heaven, I ain't Going ...or 8 Random Facts about Me and My life


Recently (ok, ok, It was really not recently but quite some time ago ... huh!! really sorry for being late) I have been tagged by Preetilata about 8 Random Facts.. i guess each and everyone knows about this tag, have done it him/herself or have read it somewhere :D

But for those who have doubts about what it might be I still post the tagging rules here:

1. When tagged you must link to the person who tagged you.
2.Then post the rules before your list, and list eight random facts/habits about yourself.
3. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to eight other bloggers.

That is how the rules were presented by Preetilata and this way I am going to continue.

Usually I dont talk about myself and let the others speak, this time I just dont have a way out. Then the question is only how to pick these 8 RANDOM facts, how can I choose something random if for me each and everything is the central point. After all that is me we are talking about :D

Ok-ok, long introduction, I better start now, otherwise you will just fall asleep even before i mention the first fact :P

1. I was born on the 8th March, Women International Day... huh!! International day which is not internationally celebrated but still well known is some countries. Not much fun, believe me. I dont like this day....not my birthday but this Interational Day which replaced my birthday ... though a good point is that all the countries which recognize Women Day celebrate my birthday :D **kidding**

2. I want to have magic powers, I guess that is the influence of all the magic books and watching "Charmed" too much. But who cares. There is no rule that we can not dream :)

3. I cry when i watch sad movies.... and I cry when i watch happy ones.. I guess I am just too senti. Now please dont make me feel embarassed and please never mention this fact. ;)

4. I was supposed to become IT Professional. All my teachers in high-school were sure about it, and they knew what they were talking about. But see, I never choose the easiest ways and went some tough road to become what I am now... And it is.... NOT IT Professional :D No regrets, i love it this way, just sometimes wonder what I might have become if i had chosen another way.

5. I started to read when I was 4... and can not stop till now, to the big regret of my month salary, because books are expensive stuff.

6. I believe in true Friendship, and it is exactly Friendship with a capital "F". I think one can not have 100 friends like in their friends lists in different communities. And for me it does not matter if I met the person in "real" life or not. Trust and level of understanding is all that matters. :)

7. I love arguing. OMG... when I start this I just can not stop. And sometimes am proving the opinion which I personally strongly disagree... Like when someone says "white is white" I wll try to prove that "white is black" and believe me, I will succeed!!

8. I love London. Thats my favourite city of all. And I had known it long before i visited it. Once I made my first step there I knew it is my LOVE. Not Paris, not Moscow, not any other city on this planet but L.O.N.D.O.N!!


I guess these were 8 facts, so I will not add, that I love chocolate, can not sing, took dance lessons in high-school, hate to get up early, love quotes, forget small details but remember phone numbers... Instead of telling all this I will tag now:

Akila
Ameya
Bizarre Kid
Divya
Preetha
Shashi


And believe me I can count.. at least up to 8 :P
And I know I have not named 8 people...
Bad luck, seems like everyone else in my blogroll has done this tag already.

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The Week

Another week has gone. I know it is Friday only but for those of us who made it a daily routine to go to the office every Mon - Fri  this week has just finished. Saturday and Sunday are like the other dimension where you live a different life. My favourite time of the week though is friday evening which i can not and never will be able to explain. But do we really need to explain each and everything, sometimes it is just better to accept things the way they are.

Less than 6 weeks to New Year, and again I wonder how quick the time goes. It flies and we seem only to notice it when it already is gone  wondering what have we been doing all the time. Sometimes I wonder ... Well I do wonder constantly because somehow I feel 
that only with ability to wonder we can survive in this world of ours. 

But back to the point...

So sometimes I wonder about how relative everything in life is. When we go through life day buy day nothing seems to change but when you take a break, and just look back you will see that everything is different.
And in the end of the day you are not the same as in the morning...
And in the end of the week you are not the same as in its beginning...
And in the end of the year you are a different person compared to the person you were before...

And here I am in the end of the week trying to realize how much different i have become, figuring out good and bad things that happened recently, proving the concept of having changed myself. And it turned out that things are not easy to be figured out, but i have tried and found few positive and negative issues that might have influenced me for a change. Look carefully at this "might" because they might have .... or might have not... Time will show. And we will see.


POSITIVE:

• I got my life back, you can wonder what should that mean but for me it is as clear as water. Working at the last project i could hardly get 4 hours of sleep, working 16 hours each day without weekends. And now it is such a great pleasure to come home and to do..................... NOTHING.. and when I say nothing i mean - watching movies, reading, blogging, chatting and and and ... just anything but not working!!
  
• I fell in love..... yes, yes and yessssssssss. Fell in love... with my own BLOG!! I know it is selfish but i just love it, brings a lot of positive emotions :)
  
• Got to know new people and I am really happy about it (and again thanks to BLOGging ;))
  
• Will learn to write Haiku (thanks to Sameera who tagged me for that, will do soon, Sweetie).. am really exciting about this ;)
  
• Got a call from my Orkut friend, was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... no-no.. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cool to talk to her... and when i think a little bit more now it was even sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cool!!! :D
  
• Got a call from my old University friend, we have not talked for ages and it was a pleasant surprise
  
• Russia is in EURO 2008.. Yahooooooooooooooooooo and again Yahoooooooooooooo!!
  OMG!! That is something I would never believe especially after the disaster in the match with Israel last Saturday... HUH!! For those who dont know what the hell is going on, what this silly girl is on about I will say FOOTBALL, my dear, only FOOTBALL which some people somehow prefer to call soccer. And now when all the chances seemed to be lost and hope almost has gone away suddenly England loses against Croatia... and here we go.. Russia will play in European Championship.. England will not... I can go on about football for ages so am forcng myself to sht up :D
  
• Talked to some dearest people which does not happen every week, so I was lucky here :)

NEGATIVE:

• I learned to hate....I dont know if it is good or bad, I only know it is new... Trying to cope with it, hope I will be successful because I hate to hate
  
• Yesterday was late to the office for 40 mins... took the wrong bus.. Tell me how can someone mistake 165 for 120 :D I can!!
  
• England is not in Euro 2008 **sob** Dont you wonder, please. Have been England's football team fan for the last 10 years with all their ups and downs (more downs I guess).. Now they are not in Euro 2008. But the choice here was either Russia or England... Oops...again i am talking about football... Why didnt you stop me??? ;)
  

Looking back at good or bad things that took place I dont see i have changed. But It is really funny how the daily routine makes us feel like everything is just the same but in the end you see that things are different and have no idea how it happened.. or did it happen??

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Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower

Thanks to Sameera I have been tagged recently but have not got an opportunity to do the tag because of being busy. I know, Sweetie, you did not mind. But now I am there and I am writing.

Three Things In My Life I Can Never Let Go Of

That’s a little bit of tough. How can I decide for 3 things only. My first thought was when I got to think about it – “The best things in life are not things…. They are FRIENDS” so I wish I could have written about mine but seems like it will not happen today.

Then I thought and thought and thought… I have a tendency to think a lot and then never can stop and put the thoughts down. But this time I have to.

So here is the result of my intensive thought process.

MAGIC and MIRACLES




It is not like the magic we see in movies or read in fantasy books.
Not that of Harry Potter stuff.
That’s about the magic we see daily or at least we can see daily
because magic is all around.
Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is
and you'll see them all around you.
So do I.


Have you ever wondered why the sky is blue
or why the sun is shining so brightly?
Have you enjoyed sunsets and sunrises?
Have you looked up to the rainbow and felt happy?
What about a kind word, an unsure smile, a child’s kiss?
Have you tried walking into rain? Have you smiled at the first snow?
Do you know that the flowers close to your house are yellow
and the ones around the corner are red?
Have you smiled when you got a mail from that special friend exactly at the time point when you most needed it?
What about finding some money in your coat from last winter?
Have you ever wondered why you can call someone at 4 am
and they will talk to you even then because they love you?
Have you ever run into an old friend
and realized that some things never change.
Have you tried to be grateful for each and every new beautiful day?

That’s all magic… magic of life… small things are the only ones that matter in the long run. Learning to see them is important. I have learned.

People say that there are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I have chosen the second one? Which path have YOU taken?

WORDS



Ability to inspire, to discuss, to argue.
Understanding the power of words, their true meaning.
Talking about important things, explaining the actions taken, making others happy with a single word meaning a lot to them.
Knowledge that they might hurt when said incautiously,
might encourage when being said at the right time and with true feelings,
might make happy when you mean what you say.
Saying “I love you” to the ones you love.
Saying “I am sorry” when you mean it.
Asking for forgiveness when you should.
Talking silly when you want to have fun.
Saying things only when you mean them, realizing the power of words.

Words don’t come easy when we have to talk about something important but our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter.

I would never ever mean of ignoring words.
Because I too good know what the result might be.


BEING ME



Yes, I know I am already ME but this I mean a little bit different.
It is like staying true to yourself and people I love no matter what the circumstances are.
Staying the way I am without looking back and thinking how would people take this.

Being silly when I want it.
Saying things because I mean it.
Crying when I feel it.
Laughing when I feel funny.
Loving people important to me.
Saying the truth even though it might hurt.
Going for things that might be bad in the end.
Being naïve up to extent and knowing I can not be different.
Knowing that nothing can be perfect but still trying to make it so.
Believing in impossible.
Struggling for happiness.
Believing in people.
Giving them second chances even though I know they might fail.
Doing stupid things even though I already know they are stupid.
Making the same mistakes over and over again.
Staying home instead of going to the party because I want it so.
Skipping office every now and then because I feel lazy.
Watching the same movie non-stop
and crying in the end, even if it is a happy end.
Asking questions which can not be answered.
Irritating people.
Caring for the ones who deserve and despise the ones who don’t.
Being the Sunshine or the Moonlight.
Loving with passion.
Fighting with passion.
Living with passion.
Enjoying life the way it comes.


The only one thing that matters is that being this way
I am honest with myself
and people I care about.
And that’s me. And that I would never ever let go of.

Facing the world with the powers of magic, words and the true me.

Here it is, done with the tag.
And I will not tag anyone because it seems like everyone has already taken this one.
Still if you feel like you want to do it, then you are tagged ;)

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Good or bad

I was going to write this entry for the last month or so but never managed to find time. Not that i got it now but just wanted finally to close this topic and write down whatever comes to my mind.

People.. Who are we? What are we? Are we all different or are we the same? Are we good or are we bad? If good - then who said so, and if bad - then again who said so? Who is there to judge? Are their any criteria?

Like we all I have come across many people in my life, good or bad, most have gone, few stayed. Why? Were they better than the rest? What makes them different? What makes me feel they ARE different? How do I know they are good? (they really are) How do I know they are not bad? (they are not!)

Browsing in Orkut through people's profiles I wondered how good they all are. They have nice friends, they have great testimonials saying how much sweet, lovable, adorable, caring and and and... they are. It means they are good. For these people. Not for others .. but it means they have something good with them which made others catch it and got such a great opinion about them. But if they are so good to them, why they are not so good or even worse than that, why they seem to be bad to others?

Confusing thought, huh?! Everyone is good in the beginning. Good for their families,
their loved ones, their friends.

But less good for someone else... How do I decide who is good enough for me? How can I dare to call someone bad if he/she is not, when he/she is so sweet and lovable and caring.

We are not different, thats true... we all are the same with the same dreams, desires, wishes. We want in the end one and the same thing from life. And we all are good! But somehow fail to see this good in each other. Too much busy with themselves, too much stressed up, too much blind, just too much...

I know it is all about values, we appreciate different things, we have different likings, we have differend levels of understanding. Sometimes it just clicks and then you feel you know this person for ages, even if ages are 2 weeks only! And not all will and can be your friends but it is not because people are bad (who are we to judge it?) it is just because we are different in our non-difference.

And even people who betrayed us or who were mean are good..... but good for someone else.
Which does not mean "not good enough" for us. I have been thinking about it for a while and really wondered about this confusing thought: "Everyone is good yet everyone is bad".

Depends on people who see you as you are / or as they think you are. So you are not what you are, you are what people think you are. I know that is kind of a silly and you can say that everyone knows who he/she is and there is no need of people's opinions about who you are.

But then do you know anyone who would say he/she is a bad person? I don't!..
We all are different yet the same...
We all are good yet bad.... To someone or to ourselves...

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The Wish

Just updated the story, changed some passages, seems like it has become better :)
Re-posting it again as the question about wishes is of great importance for me nowadays.
Will write about it later, maybe even tomorrow (today :D)

******************************************************

Very carefully, trying not to wake up the grandmother napping beside her bed Ann stood up, and came to the window. It was very late in night. She and grandma were reading an amazing magical story about not less amazing Cinderella. And then they both fell asleep. Ann smiled when she remembered the discussion they had about who is the most wonderful hero of the story. The grandmother insisted it was Cinderella herself but Ann argued. How could it be possible - of course Cinderella was beautiful in her wonderful dress and new shoes but can she be compared to the magical fairy, the one who can make your wishes come true, the one who can light up your life by fulfilling the deepest and innermost desires of your heart.

Ann smiled. Her smile, the smile of an innocent child, pure and beautiful, was like a smile of an angel, enlightening everything around, making believe that miracles happen.

Miracle… That was what Ann longed for, what she needed most of all. She looked out of the window. It was late October night. Starlit night, dark sky was so close to Ann that the thought about taking one star from it and making a wish struck her mind. Was it possible? Ann looked attentively if there was any star falling; she used to wish on stars though her wishes never came true. But today there was a special night, the night to her seventh birthday, so maybe she will be a bit luckier and her wish will be granted this time. But no, nothing like that. Stars stayed on their places smiling archly at her as if saying “No, dear Ann, we can't help you on this, that’s not our task, you have to wait patiently”.

How long does she have to wait? Since the death of her mother all she did was waiting. First, waiting for the mom to be back. But soon she realized that mom didn’t leave her. She just didn’t stay with her the way Ann wanted her to be. Since that day when her mom had to go to the best world everything changed.

Her father had work in the other city and Ann had to stay with the grandmother. She loved cozy sweet evenings with her, it felt great to know that you are loved and taken care of, but even then somehow Ann missed something. You can say it was the presence of the mother but no, at least not in the way you thought about it. Her mother was always with her, showing her love and comfort for this little angel. In a way that not everybody can understand, but Ann always knew her mother didn’t leave her. She just took another place from where she could have a better chance to look after her daughter and to lead her the way that she was supposed to go.

No, it was her father that the girl was missing. Staying at the closed window on this beautiful October night the girl seemed so lonely and unprotected, so it was no wonder that someone out there decided to help her a little bit. It started snowing.
Have you ever seen the first snow? That’s the most amazing thing nature has gifted us. Lonely beautiful snowflakes, so cold and so warm at the same time. Whirling or falling slow down, they just ask you to take them into your hand or even try on your tongue. Ann hesitated. Should she open the window and try to catch one of them. It was still cold outside and she was afraid the cold wind might wake up the grandmother. But the desire was so big that she couldn’t stop herself.

She opened the window, and caught the snowflake. Little angel was curious to talk to it.
“Where are you from?” – she asked.
“I am from a very very far place where everything is possible”, - replied the Snowflake. Ann didn’t even wonder that the snowflake was talking to her.
“How are you doing?”
“I am good, but what about you, you seem to have some troubles, sweet child.”
“No, really I am not, it is just…”
“What?”
“I have birthday tomorrow.”
“I know”
“How?”
“I am a magical snowflake, you should have guessed.”
“Magicaaaaaaaal??” – wondered the girl. – “And you can make the wishes true?”
“Yes, I can, is there anything I can do for you?”
The girl smiled and started already to tell about her innermost wish. “Can you..”
But the Snowflake said: “No, that’s the only thing we can't do, but you know that she is always with you, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do, but it is not the same..” The girl smiled sadly.
“I know, sweet, I know. But there where she is now she can take better care of you, she can see every step of you, every second of your life, and she is always there to protect and to comfort you. Choose another wish, Ann.”

Ann was so sad and she even didn’t notice that the Snowflake knew her by name.
“Then.. then.. I want my dad back, it is my birthday and I miss him so much and he can't come, it is all about the weather, his plane can't take off and he won't manage it to my birthday. But you are magical, aren’t you? You can do this, can you?” – with the voice full of hope begged the little angel.
“I will see what I can do, sweet”, answered the Snowflake. “All you have to do is just to close your eyes very tight and wish from all your heart.”
“Wish with all your heart….” repeated the small kid.
“Will you remember this?”
“Yes, I will”
“And now let me go, I have to go my way.”
“And what is your way?”
“I will melt when I come to the ground and then will come back the next year, and who knows, maybe we will get to talk next year to each other. And now you know what you should do.”
Ann let the Snowflake fall down and melt…

Bumms... the book flew down and hit the floor. The grandmother opened her eyes, looked at the bed and noticed the girl wasn’t in. She wondered but didn’t have time to think about it as the door bell rang. She went to open the door.

Early morning… Ann felt someone pick her up. Still sleeping she asked, “Dad, is that you?” And she even didn’t have to open her eyes to make sure. She knew that the Snowflake didn’t lie to her. It made her wish come true.

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why can it not be just SIMPLE?

Feel really weird today. I can not say it is a feeling of laziness, just want to be left alone and not do anything at all.. Just close my eyes and being brought to some safe and empty place where no one could tell what and when to do.

Maybe it is just a feeling of being too tired - working without weekends right after the hospital dont make things easier but i really want things to be more simpler than they are. Sometimes i think everything is so much complicated that i do not know how to deal with it.

I try to manage things and everything seems to be alright but it is not as alright as i want them to be. It is just ok but ok is not really enough. Why cant everything be just SIMPLE. When you know what to do and how to do it, when you go straight your way and nobody stays in it making things more difficult than they are. Why do we have to depend on others. Why can i not just do things the way i want to... being diplomatic, trying to be nice and friendly to people who think they are allowed everything and anything! why cant i just close my eyes and stay away from all of them, going for a while to another universe - the one of my own. Why do we have all these responsibilities? And why can i not just take a small break.... It is really a weird feeling. It is a wish to be left alone but not a wish of loneliness, wanting time for yourself but not too far from anyone else. Being gone far away but not for long.... Dreaming your dreams but knowing they are just dreams. Living one day, one hour, one minute for yourself but not for someone else.

Wanting to cry but having no tears. Knowing that everything will be fine but still worrying about things... Life is weird, today is weird... and the only one wish i have at this very moment is impossible for right now because in the whole Universe (my Universe called my life) there is not a single place where i could be left alone.

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