Me and Myself

Tagged by Sameera

I am: not a has been. I am a will be. At times I think and at times I am.

I think: too much. And when I do it is dangerous for people around.

I know: nothing.

I want: peace of my soul.

I have: myself

I wish: I don’t

I hate: when people lie.

I miss: people I love.

I fear: staying alone.

I feel: that things go the right way, even if I don’t go with them.

I hear: silence

I smell: life

I crave: for harmony.

I search: understanding

I wonder: why some people are so dumb…

I regret: not for long

I love: them. They know it

I ache: when something unfair happens

I am not: perfect

I believe: that love will save the world

I dance: do i?

I sing: sometimes… only when alone. And i am never alone

I cry: often, after watching movies, after reading books… all the time :D

I fight: seldom.. almost never

I write: what i feel

I win: people

I lose: nothing. Because if you lose something it has not been yours anyways.

I never: give up on people. Always giving them second chance. (There are exceptions still)

I always: believe in the best.

I confuse: all the time. People start complaining already so I might change the habit.

I listen: carefully, if you need someone to listen to you, I will be a good choice :)

I can usually be found: online. Those who know me know where :D

I am scared: of snakes and deep water

I need: solitude. Sometimes just need to stay alone.. Not in the way to be left alone, but to find peace with myself.

I am happy about: my life

I imagine: everyone happy. Idyllic picture. Never to come true…

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NOTE!

Just thought about short update. First of all, thank you all for your encouraging comments to the last post. If someone misunderstood i am not quitting blogging, neither i stop writing. Just taking a break. Not writing for a while. Maybe will post some articles from the archives which most of you have not read.

Am very busy these days, do not have time to check my own blog. Sorry for not replying to your comments and not visiting your blogs. I can really blame the lack of time for this. Am in the middle of organizing a big event, preparing a big catalogue for publishing and working for the girl who got fired last week. And it will continue like this till the middle of July. Hence most probably no updates.

Storyblog is going private since July 1st. Those interested in reading it please mail me your ids to top.lena@gmail.com. Please be sure you really are interested in reading it, because i expect some feedback from those who have invitation. If you want just to add this blog to the list of those you have access to, please do not do this.

For those who are concerned and worried, I am all fine. Thanks.
For those who would want to ask something, to tell something, to share something, to complain, to curse, to annoy me I am still reachable at the id mentioned above.

I might visit few blogs, if i dont visit yours it does not mean i stopped liking you or dont bother about you or what worse have forgotten you. It is just not like that. I visit only those of the closest friends, the ones who asked me to read or the ones i have been given links by someone as an advice for the read. Please consider it and dont hate me for anything.

I love blogging. I love my blogger friends. I love all my blogs. But i am out of it for uncertain time period. I dont expect anyone checking back for updates here but please keep in mind that i exist and dont delete me from your blogrolls.

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To Blog or not to Blog

I have been asked lately many times how do i manage with 3 blogs (i do not tell them i have 4, because i am still struggling to find time to write my novel). And then i am asking myself the same question. Why do i blog and why do i have these 3 ... ummm... 4 blogs?

When i first started blogging almost 3 years ago, it was different. It was even not for myself but for a couple of friends who had talked me into it. Those friends are not blogging anymore, and they are even not friends anymore, but i am still here. With a different blog platform, different look, different style, different posts, different me. Now it is less personal, more random, just thoughts on daily life and common truths. Things we all know but yet need to read or hear every once in a while.

Why do i blog? Now i do not know. If i had been asked it earlier i would say "Because i love writing." Now when i have found myself in writing and have my stories untold-blog, i found some peace. I write my stories for myself and it feels good. I know they are read by few more people and some really pay valuable feedback (for that i am more than thankful) but still it is for myself only.

So why i still blog?

It is not because of getting comments, friends, communication. I have enough of it in life. More than that sometimes i want to run away from all the crowd and just stay all alone.
It is not because of money. I never used my blog as any mean for earning money with my writing. Not that i am against it, just dont really feel the need.
It is not because i need advice from people. I am trying to deal with my problems alone or with the help of very close friends.
It is not because i need to write my feelings down, to vent out my emotions. Well, sometimes i really do. But usually i deal successfully without doing it this way. For this i really do not need to blog.
It is not because this or that. It is just not because...

I do not have reasons to blog.

For the questions that pop in my head every now and then, for all the positive emotions i get i have Good days - blog. There i write it short and feel good about it.
For my creative side I have Stories - blog.

And my first blog is kind of redundant right now. I do not know what to write here. Feeling lost. The best way would be to close this one and continue writing in the other 2 (3, including novel blog). Then it feels weird. This one has always been my favourite, has always attracted more people. Now i feel like i have no other choice but stop writing in here. Sad.

The only thing that prevents me from deleting this one is the number of people who keep on checking up here even if i dont update frequently. Thats the only thing that gives me second thoughts about my decision.

Anyways i am still thinking. Nothing is final. Nothing is certain.

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And you wont look at the world the same anymore

First of all, sorry to all of you who kept on checking for updates on this blog and didnt find anything. Neither have i read any of the blogs lately except of those who asked about my opinion on some post or very close friends. I know you will understand :) I also didnt feel this passion and wish to write. Neither a blog, nor stories. The latest thing i have written was this poem. Not that it is good. I never have been good with poetry, feeling more comfortable to write stories. And well I have written a story for Sami's contest which is going on here. Those who have forgotten to participate still have their chance :)

But today i feel this wish to write about someone whose friendship i cherish and almost lost in the last couple of days.

This guy scrapped me over a year ago, few days before my birthday back in 2007. Orkut didnt have that much privacy at that time and everyone could scrap anyone without this "you are not allowed to write in this scrapbook".

I had that pic as display picture (might be some different pic though but i remember this one) and the first words i have ever heard/read from that guy were "Is the cat sleeping or not?"


I replied. And we started talking. Every day. First about some philosophical matters. He could and still can very easily change every matter into philosophical discussion which is never boring. Then we talked about music. I am not that big a fan. I have few songs in my collections that i really like but he made my collection grow big by advising really good stuff. Thanks to him i opened "Hinder" for myself and since that there is no day without me listening to their songs.

I remember one of conversations we had. And they all were in Orkut because i refused to add him on yahoo or gtalk (i had that dumb rule not to add strangers before i know them and when he first asked i refused and then he never asked again). So now i remember one which lasted for a couple of hours and consisted only of quotes from songs. The whole conversation. Two hours. And only songs' lyrics. Of course i cheated and used google. I know he didnt.

Days, weeks, months. We grew closer, talked about things that i didnt discuss with anyone else. Meanwhile he was done with his studies and moved to Chennai from Mumbai joining some company. Of course we already added each other on all messengers but still we mostly used orkut for communication since it added a lot to its privacy. More than half of my scraps are from him I believe. And all the special numbers like 11111, 22222, 10000 and many more like 25425 were written by him. There is a lot of fun in hunting for them, and i remember how many times i cheated just to get some of them written by deleting the oldest ones. It might sound childish but thats how it goes and i like it.

Orkut has become a main medium also because he cant use any messengers in the office but found a way around blocked orkut. And every single day except weekends i spent chatting with him about each and everything starting from weather and ending with some serious discussions about private matters. He knows me better than i know myself and can predict me in everything. He knows what i will say, what i will do, how i will react. Sometimes it is scary. Mostly it feels good.

Thanks to him i met some really good people. Even meeting Sami has to do with him too, righ, dear? :)

Of course, it all was not that good all the time. With him i fight more than with anyone else. About silly matters, about serious ones. About life, about me, about him. Sometimes i feel over-possessive about him, because he is just too good to share with anyone else. (Dont take it wrong, please)

He was and still is my strength. If everything falls apart i know where to go and whom to ask for emotional support. He might be harsh with me but he is always right and it always helps.
I hurt him. He hurt me. It happened every now and then like in every relationship but we always came back to each other because thats the way it should be. I was the very first person he ever wrote a testimonial in Orkut. And i cherish these words till now because they were straight from the heart and really mean a lot to me:

well well well...i think this is the first testimonial...um gonna write for anyone...Lena, Lena, aaah Lena...well i ve'nt met her yet or ever seen her...But as far as knowing her as a person is concerned, i know her inside out...Hey ,i think the legacies that people ve forgotten in these modern times are still there safe in some people of the world...Be serious, humerous, tricky, taunting, genius or anything, u got a companion for that state...the only promise ya ve to make is being true n straight...Talk about life or missing 9999, here's a friend that ORKUT has given me...when no one is there, i knw whom to rely on...God Bless n take care

He has taught me a lot of lessons in life, seems like he knows about it more than me. He explained it to me in another testimonial. And even though it might not make much sense to anyone else it made a lot of sense for me:

Testimonial of experience:-

Forget what ya dont ve
Forget that ya dont
Just Forget It
Forget that you're afraid
Forget that u r
Dont panic
Forget that u r alone
Everyone's Alone
Think about It

Its alright, I know tht it aint easy, But thats life

We're all in thr dark looking for the light
So dont ya worry....
Forget tht U cant Love
Forget tht U cant
Just forget it
Forget the reasons why
Forget the reasons
Can you do that
Forget that u r lost
Everyone gets lost in the Journey

Stop Take a look around you
Just stop maybe it'd be better'
If ya calm down
its alright...

This is ma lesson of life, i never explained anyone...took a lot of time ta put it in words...
And you wont look at the world the same anymore..

He is very talented. Not only in the poems he writes or in painting (where he really is a genius) but more in the art of friendship. He is and has been always a great friend, the kind everyone should have. The only thing i regret is that i still have not met him. And in the last couple of days i almost lost him, we have told lots of words to each other. I was more harsh than i usually am, but then i was hurt more than i usually am. And he refused talking to me which i accepted and we didnt talk to each other. Or rather he didnt talk and i tried to made him notice me. he kept on ignoring and it hurt more than anything else in the world. Imagine the broken heart because of someone who left you because they dont love you anymore. Now multiply it by 10 and you will get a broken heart of someone who is being ignored by the closest friend who (as they know) is feeling the same pain as you are. It is like having pain for both, you and the other person.

I have this ego problem. Thought if he does not want to talk i will not talk either. I have all the rights, dont i? But i just could not bear it anymore and tried my best to ignore my own pain and to concentrate on his. Forget my troubles and heal his own. After all he is one of the best person i have ever come across and he deserves better :) Not sure i succeeded. I tried my best though. Will try again because if not for friendship then to fight what for?


Once i have read somewhere "Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say". He knows what i dont say and he does not need to say anything because i know what he does not say. But today i felt like saying all this. Maybe also because i know blogger.com is banned in his office too and he will never get to read this :)

**UPDATE: Please dont tell me to break the silence, guys, it is all fine now :)

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Peace of Mind

Just thought of a short update. First of all, i am feeling better than ever. life is going good, very hectic with busy schedule, but still good and i am lucky to get positive emotions every day. Last one lasts even for couple of days now and i know i am late to write about it but who the hell cares. On Sunday after 15 years Russia again won Ice Hockey World Championship. In the final game in Canadian Quebeck playing against Canada these guys have done the IMPOSSIBLE and won gold medals. :) The celebrations here are going till today and it really brings a very good feeling to see all the adult and (in other days) serious people being like little kids and feeling proud for their own country after so many years.

Somehow I catch myself at the thought that i am smiling more these days, not sure what might be the reason but then again it feels very good. Just to be back to myself after couple of months of frustration. Might even be back to Tuesday Love Ramblings next week.

If someone still keeps visiting, you might have noticed i changed the name of the blog. It is now PEACE of MIND. Dont ask me why... i just felt like that. Needed a change. And i believe thats for the best. Hence the change in design. I know it is not looking the same in all browsers, am working on it.

My system at home crashed, might be some virus, though my antivirus didnt find any *sigh* Will take me up to few days to fix everything up, so no internet connection at home and i cant do much bloghopping from office, so i was irregular with blogs, now will be even less regular. Just bear with me, please :)

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Here We Go: Tags. Part 1

I have been tagged by Pri like ages ago but she is a very patient girl :D Though I decided not to take her patience for granted and finally complete the long pending tags :)

Here is the first one.
30 questions!! (umm... who the hell invented this one?)

1)LAST MOVIE U SAW IN A THEATRE?
Umm…. I have been thinking and thinking and thinking and then I realized I have not been in theater since last year, have a lot to catch up with ….

2)WHAT BOOK ARE U READING??
Me is rather writing than reading, the only thing I am reading these days are blogs, and even then I am not regular …

3)FAVOURITE BOARD GAME?
Nobody plays with me, I always win **sigh**

4)FAVOURITE MAGAZINE?
Since so many people mentioned 'readers digest' in the ir tags I believe we can call it a magazine!!

5)FAVOURITE SMELLS?

• coffee… weird, I don’t like drinking coffee but love this smell
• rains… it is a special smell, nothing can be ever compared…
• L'Eau par Kenzo … my favourite for years!! J
• maybe some more… just i need to think about it and my thinking capability is damaged these days

6)FAVOURITE SOUNDS?

raindrops on the window when I am staying home
my little niece’s laugh
anything that is melodic unless it annoys me

7)WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?

when you give everything to the person and realize they do not feel like giving anything in return
when you miss people who are far away
when you know that no matter how hard you try it still wont be enough
when someone you love is not happy

8)WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN U WAKE?

not again!!

9)FAVOURITE FASTFOOD PLACE?

no fast food, sorry

10)FUTURE CHILDS NAME?

umm…. Sophia…. For a girl, because i will have a girl only… My little niece is angry with me for that because she wanted her little sister to have this name, now she wants her own daughter to be names Sophia.. Somehow I feel I will be the first :D

11)FINISH THIS STATEMENT---'IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY I'D'

...ummm…. so many things to do…. I would buy a big house for my parents, so that they would not have to control my daily use of internet :D

And i would travel around the world for sure

12)DO U DRIVE FAST?
Me and driving?? Err… you better don’t let me anywhere near the car if you want to stay alive :D

13)DO U SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?

Hell! Who invented this tag???

14)STORMS--COOL OR SCARY?
depends on who is there with me ;)

but in general i love them

15)WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
read answer #12…. Nobody lets me close to any car!!

16)FAVOURITE DRINK?
milkshake, peach juice, tea (only black and only without sugar)

17)FINISH THIS STATEMENT-IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD...
go to Moscow to visit my best friend J

18)DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI?
how does it matter??

19)IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY OTHER COLOUR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE?
I love the way it is now, have experimented enough already J

20)NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS U HAVE LIVED IN?
Umm…. Depends on what you call as “have lived in” :D

But if I have to count then Nizhny Novgorod, Moscow, Essen.
As well as stayed for a while in Paris and London…. Wish I could call it living there :D

21)FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
football!! Meaning not American of course!!

22)ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

Pri … she is a good writer, a mature person unlike me and i love reading her blogs… though even less and less these days

23)WHATS UNDER YOUR BED?
now i got scared… what do you expect to be there?? Is it some secret mission of finding out where i hide the bodies of people i don’t like?

24)WOULD U LIKE TO BE BORN AS YOURSELF AGAIN??

yaa… me is a good person :D
but i would love it to be somewhere else… just not to repeat the experience completely…

25)MORNING PERSON OR NIGHT OWL?

Night owl…. Any doubts?

26)OVER EASY OR SUNNY SIDE UP?

blame it on my insomnia or me being dumb but i don’t get the question hence no answer :D

27)FAVOURITE PLACE TO RELAX?

Since I never relax I don’t have such a place!

28)FAVOURITE PIE?

umm… I love them all :D

29)FAVOURITE ICECREAM FLAVOUR?

Chocolate, peach, vanilla, cherry, strawberry… ummm….. yummyyyyyyyyyy

30)OF ALL THE PEOPLE U HAVE TAGGED, WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST?

Hereby I declare I was officially the last who has done this tag as it took me one month to complete this one and everyone else is already done!!

*UPDATE* i found out, i am not the only one left but still i will tag the only one, Mannu, because he asked (well not really asked but i decided it was like he asked :D )

One more of Pri is about what is there in my hand bag. I want to disappoint you, guys, nothing really interesting :D

my cell phone

cell phone's charger

home keys

office keys

purse

lipstick

Elisabeth Arden Green Tea Scent Spray

and thats practically all :D

Am planning to make this month - the month of the tags, so that i will finally complete all the tags pending since the beginning of this month :)

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In Remembrance...

When I was a small kid I liked watching those parades on May, 9th. Some days on TV and some days we would put on our best clothes and go to the central square to enjoy it live.

I remember lots of old people wearing military uniform with ordens and medals.
I remember expression on their faces when they met an old friend whom they had not seen for years.
I remember their tears when they talked about the ones who didnt make it to this Victory Day.

I used to ask my mom what is so special about this day. And she always replied it was a day to give our thanks to people who had fought for the defence of our country. A day on which we should learn how to be grateful for our lives.

When i was in school our history teacher revealed the fact that over 20 million Soviet people were killed during that war. When you are 11-12 years old you do not really realise how shocking big this number is. You just learn it as the fact which might be asked in another exam.

But we knew that we won that war, and we knew that our grandfathers and grandmothers were there to protect their children, our moms and dads. We knew that if not for them we would not have gotten this chance to live. We knew how to be grateful.

The latest russian history textbooks say that USA won the World War 2. Maybe they consider the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki as the final point of it, just like a proof who is the most powerful one. In some ex-Soviet Republics, todays independent countries they remove monuments and memorials dedicated to those soldiers who once saved their cities from Nazi's occupation. Soviet military forces are declared occupants and ex-Nazis get these ordens and medals and graditude which belongs to those fighting for their own and their kids' life and independence.

Today the world has changed. Not for better.
Today we fail to see what is good and what is bad.
Today we take too many things for granted.
Today we do not know anymore what it means to be grateful.

Today we are re-writing the HISTORY.

I don't care what crap these pro-american text-books say.
I don't care that some countries' leaders are too blind to realise what is goodness and what is evil.
I don't care for those who declare us occupants and murderers.

People can talk as much as they want to about damn communism and totalitarism, repressions and tortures. There indeed had been a lot of good and bad in the history but none of this will ever change the fact that our grandfathers and grandmothers were ready to die for our confident future. That they have protected my country and half of Europe at the cost of their lives. If not for them there would not be any Russia, any Europe and maybe even any US for that matter.

In Russia almost every family has at least one person who took part in that war. And the number of those who survived is getting less every year. Most of them are over 80 by now. And the less this number is the more should our gratitude be.

And when i see 80% of cars in my home city having these special St. George Ribbons as the sign of our remembrance and commemoration, it feels good to know that people care, people remember, people are grateful.

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Every Other Day of My Life

7am. I wake up, take a shower, have my breakfast, leave for the office. It is 7:50 am. I know I will be stuck in traffic and late for work again. Some 4-5 km far my office building my patience comes to a limit and I leave the bus and continue my way walking. it is 9 am. And i am already late but who cares. Well, my boss does. But I guess I will be forgiven again.

I am in the office, 9.20, mails, calls, annoyance, angry people, happy people, upset people, people that fight, people that cry, people that have no understanding. Gtalk says DND, as if anyone bothers. I change it to "Please only when really necessary. I am VERY BUSY". Seems people do not read status messages. Nevermind.

Lunch break, 1pm. Not hungry yet but making myself eat something just to survive through the day.

Working again. Reading something. Other mails, Other calls. Tired, sleepy, angry. Do not notice how it is already 6pm and office is over for today.

6.30pm. Tutoring. English grammar. Gerund. Participles, Tenses. Translations. Tired again. Looking at the clock. 10 more minutes till the end of the lesson. Talking about life, correcting mistakes, having fun.

7.30 pm. Leaving for home finally. Just popping into a supermarket to buy some fruits.

8.00 pm. Bus station, lots of busses come by, but not mine. Waiting for another 20 mins, then decide to walk. So what if it is some 15 km to my house? I can do it. At that moment the bus comes. Another 20 mins (no traffic jams) and i am almost home. Feeling tired but good.

9.00 pm. Home sweet home. Alex is asking if i got something for her. Fruits do not go, so I have to promise to buy a toy for her some other day. She feels happy. It is time for her to sleep. I kiss her good night and go to have my dinner. Trying to talk to mom meanwhile but too tired to bring out any sensible thoughts, she does not mind. She is tired, too.

9.20 pm. I get online. Start writing. Gtalk is clear. It says "DND>>WRITING". People do not care, I do not mind. These are people I love. No matter how tough the day has been, talking to them makes my day. Tired, sleepy, stressed but still staying on to write mails, to read blogs, to write my stories, to chat with people who care about me.

Midnight. Going to sleep. Fall asleep right after my head touches a pillow. You can call it baby sleep. Next time i open my eyes it is 7 am and I think "God, why are you doing this to me? I so do not want to start it over again." But I do. And the day starts new.

Every other day of my life.

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The Stories Untold

I might not be blogging like I used to but I am still writing and even if both activities go hand-in-hand, writing is of more importance for me these days. Hence this vacation from blogging. Those of you who loved reading my stories before might like having a look at this blog of mine. It has all the old and new stories and of course, more are coming soon :)

The Stories Untold

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